EP04纯享下：嘻哈大胆开麦问马东是奇葩？ 史妍辣评高考旗袍梗 | 喜剧之王单口季2 The King of Stand-up Comedy 2 | iQIYI潮综艺
Hello everyone. I’m Lin Jianqi. Lately I feel that my thinking isn’t quite normal. I don’t know how old I am. I only know I’m in my 20s, and I’m really bad at math. Once I opened a calculator to subtract my birth year from the current year. I was born in ’99. So I typed 25 minus 99. And then I saw that I was -74 years old. Baby, you’re a premature baby. [Unintelligible] As a premature baby, [Unintelligible] I still think I’m pretty smart. I’m clever. For example, I want to get tattoos on both sides of my head. I want to get a tattoo under my hair, right against the scalp, with a phrase. I want to tattoo the phrase ‘Didn’t I tell you not to cut so much?’ Always thinking about useless things. I’ve been thinking about Xiao Caiqi lately, do you remember her? 15-year-old Xiao Caiqi spun for 4 hours during the Spring Festival Gala. When I was watching it on TV, I couldn’t accept it. Because I’m a kid from Northeast China. In my worldview, it’s impossible that on a stage, someone could just spin alone. You know what I mean? She just kept spinning. I looked up her history with the Spring Festival Gala. Initially, she was at a dance party spinning for two hours. Nobody stopped the child. [Unintelligible] Feng Xiaogang saw her and said, ‘If you can spin for two hours, you can spin for four hours.’ He wasn’t acting like a director, he was like a fund manager. What I can’t understand most is that after Xiao Caiqi finished spinning, there wasn’t a closing shot of her. Just 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Happy New Year, and when the camera cut back, she was gone. Why didn’t they design a curtain call for her? I’m curious. I care about her. At least let her finish spinning and walk in a straight line. I don’t get it. I also don’t quite understand equestrian events in the Olympics. [Unintelligible] I thought the Olympics were supposed to be about humans being higher, faster, stronger? [Unintelligible] The horse carries you, running and jumping, but in the end, you go up to receive the medal yourself. I once saw a news story about an Australian equestrian rider who tested positive for drugs. I was like, ‘Dude, did you inject that performance-enhancing drug into the wrong body?’ [Unintelligible] Why are you so hyped up? Everyone else in the competition rides their horses, but you want to carry your horse there? What’s that about? I’m even starting to think this guy was never actually an equestrian competitor, he’s just high. He just walks up there, sees a horse, and takes off. Many people say my thinking is very childish, and maybe because of this immaturity, in relationships I can’t give my partner much sense of security. KIMO DE CO青EDA KING OL CO青EDA I remember I had an ex who taught me something. She said, ‘After I get in a car, take a photo of the license plate and send it to me, it will make me feel safer.’ So that’s what I did, but a couple days later she got mad at me again. She said, ‘You don’t need to do that for buses.’ OLCONED人 That’s just how I am, that’s just me. Growing up, I didn’t have many mature people around me, including my childhood friend. My childhood friend is so childish it’s almost surreal. It’s like he has never actually lived in modern society. He pronounces things however he wants, regardless of how they’re actually said. The other day I asked him what app to use for watching an anime. He said, ‘Just use that Bili Bili thing.’ I’ve known him for 15 years and still have no idea what he’s going to say next or what’s actually going on in his head. Every day he fantasizes about being the main character in some anime. Tomorrow he’ll be Ultraman Tiga. I asked him, ‘Who’s your favorite anime character?’ He said, ‘Huanhuan.’ I said, ‘Huanhuan is pretty obscure, which show is that from?’ He said, ‘You don’t know Huanhuan? The Olympic mascot.’ I was like… Didn’t expect him to be into government-approved anime. Sometimes I just can’t keep up with his bizarre thought process. We were choosing a restaurant, and I asked, ‘Want to eat some lamb spine?’ He said, ‘No thanks, I’m allergic to seafood.’ First of all, he thought lamb spine was actual scorpion, and secondly, he thought scorpions lived in the ocean. I said, ‘Dude, scorpions live in the mountains.’ He said, ‘Yeah, now that you mention it, they do have that smell.’ He has his own completely absurd logic system. One day he suddenly told me… Have you ever thought that Boston ivy should be called a wall gecko more than actual geckos? Who am I talking about? This guy I know was saying… He said, look at Boston ivy, it always grows on walls, so it should be called a wall gecko. While geckos are always climbing up walls, like they’re climbing mountains, so they should be called mountain climbers. I said, can someone please just shoot me now? I still need my brain for something useful. Now I can’t tell the difference between Boston ivy and geckos anymore. But I also saw in him a kind of childlike power. I realized that when you’re alone, you can achieve the ultimate abstraction, living completely in your own world. Your heart becomes an impenetrable fortress, and nothing can hurt you. I went with him to a middle school reunion. Then this one classmate was being really pretentious, telling us, “You guys, you still need to make money in the future. Look at me, bro, my bank account now has 7 digits.” I was heartbroken. My childhood friend was shocked and said, “How much?” “Why does my bank card have 16 digits? Did you get yours early or something?” Alright, that’s all for now, thank you everyone. Hello everyone, my name is Men Qiang. Now when I go out and introduce myself at events, I say my name is Men Qiang. They all respect me, saying, “Teacher Men, hello. Your surname is quite rare.” Friends, my surname isn’t Men. Men Qiang is my stage name. The intention behind this stage name is simple. Because stand-up comedy requires extensive use of the tongue, and in Shanghai dialect, the tongue is called “men qiang.” So since I was born in Shanghai, I now go by Men Qiang. If I had been born in the north, I would now be called Kou Tiao. Some people ask me why I don’t just use my real name for introductions and such. Because I don’t want others to know my real name. I’m embarrassed. Very shy. It’s not Li Jiajun, it’s not what you think. My real name is Zhang Bingjie. Zhang with the bow radical. Pure as ice and jade. Every time I introduce myself, people say it sounds like a little girl’s name, right? I know it feels strange, like asking Batman. Batman says. My name is delicate. I looked quite delicate when I was young. During the 10-minute breaks in elementary school, when playing games with the boys, playing some role-playing games, they would say. Zhang Bingjie. You play Princess Bing Bing. I said I didn’t want to be a princess, he said then be a maid, so I said I’ll be the princess. Princess Bing Bing. The other boys were assigned roles like princes, heroes, generals. The roles assigned to me were always princess, imperial princess, young lady. I did play a general once, Mulan. The boys always liked to pursue me in these games. I never agreed. Because a 10-minute break isn’t enough time to get to know someone. I’m pure as ice and jade, not that easy. I also didn’t understand their way of pursuing me. They wouldn’t try to please me, they would just duel each other. And their dueling method was strange too. They would spit at each other. I felt like, why are you guys still pursuing me? You don’t need me anymore, you’re already sharing saliva with each other. In the end, it was the girls who rescued me, our female class monitor brought out her secret weapon. The behavior record sheet. Those male cubs immediately calmed down. Girls not only help girls. I asked my parents why they named me Bingjie. My mom said because a name represents parents’ expectations for you. I hope you’ll be clever as ice, and pure in conduct. Mom. This expectation. Very male-virtue oriented. I turned to ask my dad, I said, ‘Dad, your son’s name is so unusual, don’t you have any objections?’ My dad said. Your mom handles the naming. I handle the surname. They even have division of labor and teamwork. My dad says what’s wrong with having an unusual name? The surname Gongchang Zhang is very common. I was thinking, what does that even mean? Can names really hedge risks? I said being surnamed Zhang isn’t great either, it’s too common. He said being surnamed Zhang shouldn’t be too good, you don’t understand, Zhang is a celestial surname. The Jade Emperor’s surname is Zhang. Zhang is the only surname when someone asks for your honorable surname, you don’t need to reply with ‘my humble surname.’ Is he taking me for a fool? When someone asks for your honorable surname. I’ll say my noble surname is Zhang. The Jade Emperor’s surname is Zhang. Get it now? It’s very powerful, that’s what I call Zhang power. I really don’t like my name. I said I wanted to change my name, then my mom said, don’t think the name Bingjie is insignificant, it carries great expectations. Because it’s hard for men to be both clever as ice and pure in conduct. My first reaction wasn’t to applaud. I was conned! I looked at my dad, what exactly did you do? Then my dad said, don’t worry, he’s just not clever. I only understood what my mom meant when I grew up. When I started working, after becoming an HR, I discovered that many male colleagues, especially male executives, aren’t very ‘bingjie’ (pure and clever). Out of 10 male leaders, 7 are stupid, 8 are dull, and 9 don’t keep themselves pure. Take that Mike from our company. He flirts with 3 or 4 women at work simultaneously. After work, he dates another 3 or 4. I don’t even know how he manages his time. How should I put it? While we’re working nine to five, he’s being fickle and inconsistent. Despite all this, he still tells the new female intern, I’m just a passive person. I’m destined to be alone. I am an HR professional, a professional HR, and due to professional ethics, I won’t let personal matters affect how I treat colleagues, but only while we’re still colleagues. He will change jobs eventually. After resignation, there’s this thing called background check. Doesn’t he fear when others do background checks, they’ll call me? Isn’t he afraid I’ll say this? Is Mike from your company? Yes. How is his work attitude? Passive. How about his teamwork? Destined to be alone. Does this person have any advantages? I’d say if I had to name an advantage, it would be time management. Not just male colleagues, even male celebrities who should care most about their public image aren’t exactly pure and clean. Every so often, there’s always some guy who trends online for not keeping his behavior in check. So I suggest that, to serve as a warning to others, from now on, any man who can’t stay faithful should change his name to Bingjie (Pure and Clean). This should have happened long ago. Like Wu Bingjie before, Jin Bingjie, and what’s his name, Xiao Bingjie. Of course, I sincerely hope male celebrities stop getting exposed for scandals, because Zhang is such a common surname. I’m afraid it might cause unnecessary misunderstandings, then I’d have to change my surname to Men Bingjie. The surname Zhang isn’t important, having a good nature is what matters. Actually, it’s not just men, being clever and staying faithful are the most beautiful expectations for humanity’s thoughts and morality, I think. But everyone assumes that Bingjie should be a girl’s name, aren’t we expecting too much from women? Yes. How could we let women monopolize such wonderful expectations? That’s not taking us men seriously. Men can hold up half the sky too. I think we should divide the work, do some teamwork. Women can be responsible for being clever, men can be responsible for staying faithful. In the future, please don’t praise men for being faithful anymore. Because we’re just doing what every boy should be doing. Thank you everyone, I’m Zhang Bingjie. Hello everyone, I’m Shi Yan. We have a child at home. Kids grow up so fast these days, he’s taller than me now, I’m still getting used to it. I never imagined that I would have the obligation to raise someone taller than me. Anyway, he calls me mom now, and I want to call him dad. My husband is both the kid’s father, my grandfather, and his own grandson. My dad is approaching puberty. If you don’t have teenagers at home, actually if you go online, the feeling is pretty much the same. They’re all like poorly educated, with strong self-awareness, and bad tempers. The other day when I was picking up my kid from school, I overheard two kids talking. One said, “Today we studied Romance of the Three Kingdoms, what garbage is this? I want to dig up Luo Guanzhong’s grave.” I thought, the literary world is tough. The guy’s been dead for centuries and still getting bad reviews. Unbelievable. Then his friend said, “Well, isn’t it just literature?” “No way! He portrayed Cao Cao as a villain, I feel personally attacked because my surname is Cao.” Well, Cao Xueqin’s surname is Cao too. He asked, “Which class is Cao Xueqin in?” “What class is Cao Xueqin in?” As if Cao Xueqin is a stand-up comedian. When I was a teenager, I never thought about digging up graves. I was more the type who overthinks and is attracted to intelligence. My grades weren’t great back then, but I was decent at biology, so I was constantly worried, worried about the future, that my future children would be stupid. I already had that kind of serious reproductive anxiety. Anyway, I don’t know when my child started choosing a mother from heaven. But I started choosing a father for them. Back then, I wasn’t interested in handsome guys. I didn’t study either. I spent all day in the classroom studying the school’s academic ranking board. So obsessed. How should I put it? After all these years, I still like the top-ranked guys. But being first-time parents, we definitely made many mistakes. I once bought one of those learning tablets for my kid. After getting it, I felt my IQ dropping. I felt like I was talking like an idiot. I said, “Sweetie, look at this new learning tablet mommy bought you, it doesn’t play games.” How fun. Go study. They call it a learning tablet, but it’s really just a tablet without games, just sitting there collecting dust, gathering dust every day. I said, is this a learning tablet? More like a dust collector. Even Windows without internet has Minesweeper, but this thing doesn’t. Finally found one game, a vocabulary memorization one. Say a word and that little monster disappears. Say a phrase and the big monster is gone. But if you want to take down that final boss, you need to say a fluent English sentence. It feels like you’re not speaking English. It’s like casting a spell. After beating this game, kids act like they’re royalty. With just one thought in their minds: I want foreigners dead. Parents nowadays are so fragile. I feel like they can be easily shattered by the smallest things. The other day I was at the bookstore and saw a bestseller called ‘Step-by-Step Guide to Getting into Community College.’ I nearly lost it right there. I was like, what the hell, do you really need a book to get into community college? Sorry if that offended you. Maybe someone going to community college just doesn’t like reading books. I feel like the world has changed, it’s so different from my time. What did I read when I was in school? It was ‘Harvard Girl Liu Yiting,’ and I still ended up in community college. KIMO OE CO deer. Now as a parent, they just put a community college guidebook in front of you to make you face reality. Seriously. I asked the store clerk, ‘What extracurricular books should kids read nowadays to get into Harvard?’ He said, ‘Why don’t you try focusing on the textbooks instead?’ I can’t even understand the books nowadays, and I don’t understand kids’ backpacks either. Kids’ backpacks these days are called ‘high-capacity burden-reducing backpacks.’ It makes you think the backpack manufacturer’s owner must have dropped out in elementary school. Because if he had made it to middle school, he would have learned some basic physics. The bigger the volume, the greater the mass, right? If you increase the volume but reduce the mass, then yes, that’s burden-reducing, but you forgot to bring your physics textbook. So I asked their customer service, ‘What’s the principle behind this high-capacity burden-reducing design?’ What’s the science here? They said, ‘Well, we put a board inside the backpack to reduce the impact between the backpack and the child’s cervical spine, making the child feel less burdened.’ I said, ‘That makes no sense. If your backpack isn’t spacious enough to fit this board, how can you call it high-capacity?’ ‘They can feel less burdened,’ is that how we’re talking now? If we can say things like that, I feel like smoking moisturizes your lungs. I feel like drinking alcohol protects your liver. Just say whatever. I feel like gambling makes you rich. Since we’re saying whatever today, I feel like recording this show helps me make genuine friends. Just saying. I feel like all these celebrity guests they invite, all these mentors. They truly understand comedy. Just saying whatever. OL CONED people. I’m talking about the guests who were eliminated last season. I feel like I’m a bit drunk right now. Just saying whatever. I feel like traditional comedy still has a future. Just saying whatever comes to mind. Nowadays it feels like parents just say whatever they want. The other day my best friend told me, she was like, “What do you think about wearing a qipao on the day our kids take their college entrance exams?” I said, “There you go talking nonsense again.” I said, “When your child takes the exam, why would the mother need to wear a qipao?” Are you writing answers on your legs? What’s the logic behind this? How is it that while the kid is taking the test, the support player is changing outfits? She said, “Well, the qipao, the word ‘qi’ sounds like ‘victory flag,’ it’s a good omen.” I said, “Well then, wouldn’t it be just as good if the father went shirtless? That’s a good omen too, symbolizing that every child will have a bright future.” Sometimes I think about the movie “In the Mood for Love” with Maggie Cheung and Tony Leung, they didn’t have children, if they had children, it wouldn’t be romantic at all. Imagine Maggie Cheung wearing a qipao every day, with a cigarette in her mouth, just waiting for her kid to get out of school. Tony Leung saying, “If there’s one last boat ticket…” And Maggie Cheung replying, “Stop fooling around, our child has college entrance exams today.” Everything I’ve said today is nonsense, I’m sorry. But now I have one serious thing to say: You actually don’t need to put the burden of success on the mother’s shoulders, because children have their own life lessons to learn, and mothers have their own prime years to enjoy. Otherwise, we’d all have the same life experience. That’s all, thank you. Hello everyone, I’m Chen Ai. I didn’t have a great year last year. I kept moving houses. And I had terrible luck. Wherever I moved, they started road construction. I’m starting to wonder if Shanghai’s development is somehow following me around? Why does it keep developing wherever I go? Did Shanghai originally not have so many roads? Is it because I’ve moved so much that they’ve built all these roads? My current place doesn’t have road construction at least. They’ve given me the final destination. I even discovered there’s a crematorium nearby. I just wanted to find a place a bit out of the way. But this is way too remote. So remote that you’d think this area should naturally have a crematorium. There’s even a rural tourism spot. Makes sense too. Celebration and mourning, right? Convenient for the funeral feast. They’ve just started the cremation here, while at the OMED, they’re already serving food. It’s really close. I checked the navigation from home, my house is less than 800 meters from the crematorium. Navigation suggests walking. Leave now, arrive at your destination in ten minutes. CONED people. This proximity gives me a real sense of security. Feels like I’ve got a backup plan in life. It’s just so convenient. Going to the theater takes me an hour and a half by subway. But the crematorium? Ten minutes on foot. Do you know what this means to me? If my stand-up goes well, great. But if it bombs, I can just stroll over there. If I can’t be on fire on stage, I can still go there and get fired up. If I can’t shine in the spotlight, I can still go out in a blaze of glory at the crematorium. And when you have a backup plan in life, your mindset becomes so much better. Like, I’m not afraid of people pressuring me to get married anymore. Whenever someone says, ‘If you don’t get married and have kids now, when you die, no one will be there for your funeral.’ I think, it’s just a ten-minute walk, who needs an escort? I’ll get there faster than they will! Besides, I have experience with funerals. I attended my grandma’s, twice actually. A few years ago, when my grandma was in her 90s, they said she wouldn’t make it. All of us took time off work, caught the fastest flight, rushed over specifically to say goodbye to grandma. We stayed for over two months, but she didn’t pass away. So we went back home. When we left, grandma was still quite energetic, even said she wanted to see me off. Really, you can’t spend too long at a deathbed vigil, your attitude starts to change. When I first arrived, I thought, ‘Grandma, I can’t bear to lose you.’ But after two months, I started thinking, ‘Should’ve taken a cheaper train.’ It’s not like you’re in a hurry, timing is more important than being early. So in TV shows, the last goodbye is always, ‘Grandma, I’m too late.’ For us it was, ‘Grandma, I came too early.’ Couldn’t we just once get it right and say, ‘Grandma, perfect timing!’ And anyway, my grandma didn’t pass away then, she lived for another year before she died. During that time, I got seriously ill, almost went before her. Going before her would’ve been awkward, what would grandma think? ‘How polite of you, we agreed I’d go first.’ So after going through this experience, I absolutely won’t let anyone attend my deathbed. Because I really hate bothering others, especially making people cancel all their plans just to come wait for me to die. It’s rude, and they’re waiting for me to die. I mean, have you ever been waited for? You’re not in a hurry, but the waiting makes you anxious. And with so many people waiting for me at once, it feels like staying alive any longer would be inconsiderate. So when they come, I’ll send everyone away. I’ll say, ‘Go home, stop waiting, I’ll take my time at my own pace.’ Seriously, I think this whole deathbed attendance thing is just people sitting in front of you waiting for you to die. Once you understand its essence, you can even change some of the rules. Like, does it have to be family members at your deathbed? Enemies work too. After all, everyone has the same goal – to see you off. I don’t know about you all, but if some distant relative of mine was dying, I might not even want to go. I’d think, who are they? Never met them, no emotional connection. But if someone I truly hate was dying, I’d definitely go. The feelings run too deep. I wouldn’t just want to see them off, I’d want to hurry them along. When the time comes, forget taking time off – I’d quit my job to be there. The company won’t die without me anyway. But if I’m not there at their deathbed, I’m afraid they might survive. And my deathbed attendance would be more efficient than their family members’. If I go, I’ll make sure they’re gone for good. You can probably tell that I’m a bit desperate now. Indeed, filming this show this year, all the performers are so competitive, fighting for some resurrection medal. What’s the point? Can it bring my grandma back to life? And watching these people trying so hard on stage, I wonder, what are you working so hard for? Don’t you just want to be hot, to burn bright? We can do that where I’m from too. After I finish speaking, anyone with dreams and ambitions can come back with me, it’s very convenient. On stage, you want to be hot, you need to work hard to make the audience laugh, and you might not even succeed. But at my place, you just need to lie down first, then tell the master, ‘Please proceed.’ I want to be famous. That’s all. Thank you, everyone. (Hip-hop) Hello everyone, I’m Hip-hop. Thank you. I finally made it onto this show this year because I’ve been busy with my job as a flight attendant. Your reactions today are really great. Some audience members before would hear this and say I don’t look like one at all. Well, I don’t just show up like this. After we’re selected as flight attendants we have to go through very procedural and extremely systematic training before we can start working. I can understand that but the one thing I can’t understand is there’s one training exercise that’s really bizarre. They take all of us into an empty airplane. They give us a real food cart and beverage cart and make us face empty seats imagining there are passengers there and serve them. Hard to imagine, right? Let me demonstrate it for you with nothing. Hello, welcome aboard. Please come in. Don’t hit me just use your imagination. So on the exam day, I served everything really quickly. I told my instructor I was done and she looked at me and said “How did you finish so quickly?” “Your classmates have only served two rows how did you finish so fast?” I looked at my dead-serious instructor and at the empty seats beside me and said “The passengers on my side they all declined.” My instructor got really angry and looked at me saying “In all my years of flying this is the first time I’ve seen 138 passengers on a plane who don’t want anything.” I said, “Keep your voice down they’re all sleeping.” Simulation. How do you simulate that? When I actually started working on planes I discovered some situations that you really can’t simulate. Never mind the passengers’ behavior I couldn’t even predict my colleagues’ behavior in training. Once during a flight my colleague and I were serving water to passengers. She accidentally spilled water on a passenger. The situation was very tense. She suddenly started pretending the plane was experiencing turbulence. So bumpy! And she ‘bumped’ her way back to the galley. The passenger was holding his cup staring at me. I watched my colleague bumping further and further away. The passenger asked me “Who’s really having a fit here?” I said… What I was thinking in my mind was exactly what I was doing with my hands. I said… There are truly many things that cannot be simulated. Once it involves people, humans are very complex, right? It can’t be simulated. Once a passenger got on the plane, his own earphones were broken, so he asked me for the airplane’s earphones. But because the airplane earphone jack wasn’t compatible with his phone jack. He flew into a rage at me. He angrily threw them away. Holding his boarding pass, he pointed at my face and said, “I got on this plane today specifically to listen to music. If I can’t listen to music, I’ll file a complaint.” His words hit me like a ton of bricks. Bang bang. And at that moment, all the surrounding passengers were already poking their heads out, wanting to see how I would solve this problem. I was backed into a corner with no options, so I squatted down and asked him, “What would you like to hear?” He said, “Hmph, ‘Clanging Rose.'” I said, “I don’t know it.” He said, “I’ll complain.” “All beauty is just yesterday’s intoxication, fading away.” In the end, I still got a complaint, because my singing woke up the passenger next to him. The passenger next to him shot up and said, “I got on this plane today to sleep, not to hear your caterwauling!” And the longer I’ve been flying, the more complex the situations I have to handle. Recently on a night flight, a passenger was sitting in the middle seat of a three-person row. The flight was too long, so he went to the bathroom. He took off his thermal underwear. I can understand him taking off his thermal underwear. When he took them off, he saw the hand soap in the bathroom, and he made do by washing his thermal underwear in the bathroom. He couldn’t possibly think that the plane’s turbulence would spin-dry his pants, could he? He sneaked out and quietly walked back to his row. Night flight, all passengers were asleep. He opened the overhead compartment above him, hung his thermal underwear on the edge of the luggage rack, and then closed the compartment. Finally, he gently draped the pant legs over the shoulder of the aisle passenger, like offering a ceremonial scarf. And after doing all this, he found that the aisle passenger hadn’t woken up, so he quietly stepped over him and returned to his own seat. He thought all of this went unnoticed. But the window seat passenger saw everything. When I say this, does it sound a bit like science fiction to you all, hard to imagine this scene? Let’s look at our atmosphere team. It’s similar to Guo Qilin washing his thermal underwear and then hanging it over Yang Tianzhen’s head. Yang Tianzhen was woken up by dripping water and found herself soaking wet. She called over the flight attendant asking whose long johns they were. The flight attendant was completely dumbfounded. Yang Tianzhen was absolutely furious. Guo Qilin remained silent. The long johns went unclaimed. But then Ma Dong stood up and exposed Guo Qilin. Guo Qilin slapped him and said, “Are you crazy? Why would you tell everything?” Tianzhen was so angry she wasn’t even innocent anymore. I was just like Hou Peicen at that moment, standing there with a polite smile. “Please stop fighting, what should we do? I’m so scared.” Let me recreate the scene for everyone, come on, let’s look back. After Ma Dong got slapped, he showed great restraint and didn’t hit back at all. ED covered his freshly-done eye bags and said, “Call the police.” CON ED. So they ended up calling the police. I was about to go and take those long johns away. But Yang Tianzhen stopped me. She said she needed to preserve the crime scene. So those long johns were just hanging there until we landed. After landing, the police came aboard and couldn’t believe it. On my flight, three people were fighting over a pair of long johns. He called me over and said, “As a head flight attendant, couldn’t you solve such a simple problem? Just give them to whoever wants them.” “Is it possible that nobody wants them?” After saying that, I led the police into the cabin, saying, “Come on.” As soon as we entered, we saw three people pulling at the two pant legs, fighting wildly, with all sorts of commotion. The situation was completely out of control. The police quickly took this “Long Johns Band” away. Enough. After getting off the plane, I still had to write up a lot of reports documenting the incident, but I still got complained about. I reflected on it and thought maybe I really didn’t handle it well enough. I should have just used those long johns to hang myself. In the end, I realized that after all these years of working, the situations I’ve encountered have never followed any so-called simulations. No matter how much I prepare, unexpected events still continue to raise the difficulty level of my life. But I’ve learned one lesson: As long as I face challenges bravely and give my sincere effort, I’ll definitely receive sincerity in return. So I hope everyone can be more understanding of others and hang up fewer long johns. Thank you everyone, I’m Xiha (Xinbo). Feels like they’re all my plants. Here we go. Hello everyone, my name is Xinbo. I grew up in the countryside. You know, medical facilities in rural areas aren’t particularly good. My parents were the type who treated minor illnesses themselves. For serious illnesses? The new family cooperative healthcare system. My health wasn’t great since childhood and I took medicine frequently, but I never took those OTC (over-the-counter) medications. My dad would point at the OTC symbol and tell me, “Son, remember, medicines with this logo are useless.” Right. What diseases I could have mainly depended on what diseases they’d heard of. In my understanding, this is what they call auscultation. When I was in elementary school, they noticed a bone in my lower back that was particularly prominent. My dad’s diagnosis was a herniated lumbar disc. Just to inform you, this condition typically occurs between ages 19 and 50. I was 7 years old at the time. He massaged it every day. Aggressively attacking my protruding part. Some friends asked, “Your dad just does whatever he wants and your mom doesn’t intervene?” My dad was responsible for pressing, and my mom was responsible for… I even imagine if I got lost as a child and the police asked my dad, “Does your son have any distinctive physical characteristics?” (Herniated disc) That’s why none of you could be my dad. My dad would definitely say, “His back has my fingerprints that can unlock my son.” Later when I was about 11 or 12, I started developing an Adam’s apple. I was a bit scared. This could kill me if pressed, right? I spoke with a squeezed voice every day. It shifted. My cervical disc herniated too. Another time in high school while playing basketball, a teammate stepped on my toe. The bruise wouldn’t heal, and my mom’s diagnosis was nail fungus. My father was already working away from home at that time but he participated remotely in my medical consultation through phone calls. Both specialists’ opinions were in complete agreement, diagnosing a fungal infection. That was the beginning of my 18-year long journey treating nail fungus. I heard that 5% amorolfine hydrochloride was effective, but after taking it for two weeks, they made me stop. The doctor said, ‘Son, I just realized this appears to be a topical medication.’ I said, ‘No wonder my mouth wasn’t getting ulcers.’ In Northeast China, we have a dish called braised chicken with mushrooms, which we often made at home. I could skip the chicken meat, but the chicken feet had to be saved for me. Those claws I should swallow whole, based on the belief that you gain benefits from eating foods resembling body parts. But they wouldn’t let me eat mushrooms, saying that was also following the same logic. I feel especially sorry for people in Yunnan, which is a global hotspot for nail fungus infections. I’ve only heard of ‘green hands at first sight,’ but I wonder if there’s such a thing as ‘gray feet at first sight.’ Kunming is basically a city full of nail fungus. For all these years, I’ve had one question: even though I had nail fungus, I never managed to infect my other toes. My mom’s explanation was that at least we kept it under control. Until last year when I went for a foot massage, the massage therapist took one look at my toes and said, ‘Brother, this is eczema.’ He told me to go buy some mupirocin ointment. I bought a tube, feeling skeptical because of what it said on the label. I thought, ‘Could this actually work?’ With a ‘let’s just try it’ attitude, I applied it for two weeks and it healed. I feel like my nails want to haunt my dreams after 18 years. Of course, my parents don’t always agree with each other. In northern winters, flu often runs rampant. Once, the whole family was sitting together having dinner, when I unfortunately sneezed. You know, in our family, if I suddenly sneeze… (They say someone must be thinking of you), but surely no one was thinking of me, though someone definitely wanted to treat me. My dad said it was influenza A, my mom said it was influenza B, and they couldn’t agree. They finally decided that for my sake, I should take half of each medication. The key ingredients in these two medicines, one called arbidol and the other oseltamivir, both have certain side effects. Arbidol causes bloating. Oseltamivir causes diarrhea. I strongly advise everyone not to have diarrhea while bloated. I was like a sports car with nitrous oxide. My dad decided to take me to the hospital because he noticed my pupils were getting dilated. He said my great-grandfather had the same look when he passed away. The doctor suggested penicillin, but my dad said, “My son must have the best medicine, cephalosporin.” Get the shot and the fever goes down, no shot means high fever. After a month of this back and forth, I finally got pneumonia. I got an X-ray and they said there were shadows on my lungs. I asked why they couldn’t X-ray my heart instead. With those limited resources, most diagnoses relied on experience and intuition. I’m educated, so now when I get sick I just learn online. We don’t see doctors – that’s our family’s hereditary condition. Our family has had two generations of practicing medicine. But in recent years, my parents have learned through short videos on these middle-aged scientific platforms many new medical theories. They discovered I had been misdiagnosed many times. After a few drinks, they often apologize to me, saying, “Son, do you resent your father?” I say, “How could I? Right? You’ve worked so hard to raise me, and now it’s my turn to take care of you.” Dad, you must take good care of yourself. Our family’s best days are still ahead. Mom, you too. Let me massage you. Original family, in my understanding, means forgiving the family that gave birth to me. It might just be a matter of time. But deep down, I still hope my parents will someday apologize to me. Say to me, “Child, we’re sorry.” After all, it was my parents’ first time being doctors. Thank you everyone, I’m Xinbo CONED person.