EP04纯享上：黑灯有段子手后花园？陈鸣飞get清北碎片 | 喜剧之王单口季2 The King of Stand-up Comedy 2 | iQIYI潮综艺
I am Hou Peicen. Thank you for inviting me to the show. I’ve been watching this show since the first season, and I really love Fu Hang. He gave me a lot of confidence. Last year, Monkey Brother went viral, this year it’s Sister Hou’s turn. Passion. This year, I joined ‘Ride the Wind 2025.’ Everyone says I have high EQ and love being polite. But I really don’t. I came here today with absolute sincerity, because I really love this show. I love these contestants, and I also really admire Mr. Stephen Chow. Of the three statements I just made, two were just being polite. Can you guess which two? This year on ‘Ride the Wind 2025,’ we’re filming outdoors, so we travel to various locations. Beaches, mountains, and so on. I once sang on Kunlun Mountain, the altitude was so high, even higher than my EQ. Then Luo Yutong and I had another performance where we were driving on the peak of Kunlun Mountain. Pretty cool, right? (Yes) Everyone started calling me the Driving Goddess of Kunlun Mountain. But for the sake of good footage, they asked me to maintain a steady speed of 20 mph. 20 mph. A car rolling down that steep slope would go faster than 20 mph. But the director told me he wanted to capture a ‘Thelma & Louise’ kind of vibe. I wanted to say what wild flowers, driving at just 20 mph? These wild flowers seem like the type that would stop at traffic lights even at the end of the road. That’s way too polite, isn’t it? That’s so me, Hou Peicen. Participating in these shows has really given me a lot, especially the sisters who have given me so much warmth. We lift each other up and give each other strength. Like my good friend Guan Le, she not only lifted me up, but during the voting segment, she actually swung me around. Women truly have incredible strength. (Yes), especially upper body strength. In all my life, this was my first time living in a dormitory with others. Dorm life was really fun, we’d chat with the girls until late at night. To avoid affecting the next day’s rehearsal, we set some ground rules for ourselves. No chatting after midnight. No chatting after 1 AM. Three… it’s 3 AM already. Let’s chat until 4 AM at the latest. You see, middle-aged people really need less sleep. Before joining the show, I actually had many concerns, but fortunately my family was very supportive. My two children also watch my show, and they imitate the sisters from the show by calling me ‘sister.’ They even help me choreograph, doing two forward rolls on the floor, jumping up and saying, ‘Mom, can you do this?’ I’ve always found it hard to say no to people, but fortunately, my children aren’t just anybody. I told them, ‘This, Mom really can’t do, women can do lifts, but should avoid rolling if possible.’ I have the courage to start again, but as a mom over 40, I also have some lower back strain. As we age, our physical abilities decline, but we shouldn’t easily dismiss our own possibilities. I really enjoyed recording this show, and I even received the title of ‘Comedy Master.’ (Comedy Master) This title I truly don’t deserve, because in my mind, the bar for being a comedy master is very high, like Teacher Guo Degang, Teacher Stephen Chow, and Mr. Ma Dong. Among them, two are real comedy masters. Guess who isn’t? Hello, Guo Qilin. I heard you know Teacher Guo Degang, is that right? Sort of. Could you please tell him about what just happened, so he can comfort Ma Dong? Yes, tell him he’s not the one. Finally, as part of the mood team today, I ask all contestants to trust in my politeness. I can not only pretend to enjoy bitterness, I can also laugh at jokes that aren’t funny. I’m already 47 years old, and still riding the waves, so don’t be afraid. I hope today everyone can have a great performance and break through their limits. It’s okay if you don’t perform well, because we must persevere and believe in ourselves. You all will definitely live to be 47, keep going! Thank you everyone. I’m wishing everyone a long and healthy life. Sister Hou, Patty Hou. Hello everyone, I’m Wang Yue. Friends, we meet again. Really, after I finished the show last year. I’ve been touring with my own solo shows across the country. Has anyone seen them? (Yes) I have. Sorry if you haven’t. It’s wrapped up now. Actually, the more shows I do, the more I expose my lack of education, really. I only went to vocational school, so sometimes I feel a bit inferior, you know. Last year I performed in more than 30 cities. After each show, there’s this segment that you probably know about, the autograph session. I write the audience member’s name followed by a message of good wishes. This segment went smoothly everywhere across the country. Until I came to Shanghai. I don’t understand why everyone in Shanghai seems to have an English name. My English is really terrible, I can’t even write it, honestly. During that autograph session, standing there, simple names like Amy or Lily I could still figure out. But if you tell me something else… Oh, I get completely lost, totally confused, you know? Once, an audience member told me, “My name is Sophia.” My pen just froze above the paper for the longest time. I only managed to write “so”. I didn’t want her to think I was uneducated. So I asked her, “That Sophia of yours, that ‘suo’ in Suofeiya, wouldn’t happen to be the ‘suo’ from that classical poem, would it?” I really hate myself, seriously. Because the wardrobe in my home is actually from Sophia. I just never bothered to look closely at how it’s spelled, you know? When I went back and checked, it was written as ‘Suofeiya’ in three Chinese characters. Exactly the same as what I wrote, really. Despite my terrible English, I toured internationally last year, so I guess I’m an international performer now, traveled all around. Actually, the first time I went to Australia alone, I was really nervous. As soon as I landed, a white police officer stopped me and asked me so many questions. I couldn’t understand a single word. It made me so anxious. I just said, “I don’t know.” “I don’t understand.” He straight up rolled his eyes at me. It was my first time seeing a white person roll their eyes. All white eyeballs. But then I realized maybe I was being too insecure. I clearly knew how to say ‘no’. And then whatever he asked me after that, I just kept saying ‘no, no, no’. Eventually the officer started laughing at all my ‘nos’. The officer went hahahahaha, It’s okay. I didn’t think it was okay at all. Because from that little ‘hmm’ sound he made, I could tell he thought I was some poor thing who couldn’t speak English. As I was walking inside, I felt a bit ashamed. But in a flash, suddenly an English sentence popped into my head. I turned around and asked him, I said, I’m Chinese, why should I have to speak English? But it seems like I often feel insecure about this and end up making a fool of myself, really. It reminds me of my very first job. That was when I embarrassed myself for the first time. I was 16. I was preparing for my vocational school internship before graduation. I graduated from Chengdu Automotive with a major in preschool education. My friends always ask me, were you teaching cars how to be people? So you can easily imagine how hard it was to find a job after graduation. I decided to find myself a job that matched my vocational training. So I went to work at a five-star hotel carrying plates. That day when I arrived at the kitchen, I quickly received my first-ever work uniform. It was a white shirt. I felt like I was becoming a white-collar worker. Then I noticed the shirt was size S, truly a tight white collar. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone or ask if they could get me a different size. Because as a vocational school student, our school motto was adapt to society. I wore that shirt for ten minutes, and society was really hard to adapt to. It was so tight I could barely breathe, you know? The buttons, going from top to bottom, I could only fasten halfway. I looked down and thought, isn’t this just like a car logo? Mercedes-Benz. Later, with tremendous effort, I finally managed to put on that shirt. When I looked in the mirror, oh my god, Michelin Man. The supervisor started his lecture. There were about 60 to 70 people present, and I was standing in the front row. The supervisor said, “Come on, everyone look at me.” Right at that moment, I suddenly let out a massive sneeze. Everyone immediately turned to look at me. After sneezing, I was literally blown back to the second row. At the same time, a button near my belly button shot off like a loaded bullet, with a loud pop. Only my belly button was saying “oh.” For a moment, I really considered blaming someone else for it. But I realized it was too late to deny it. The supervisor picked up the button and walked straight toward me. He asked, “Is this your button?” “That’s my belly button cover.” The whole room erupted in laughter again. I never expected my humor would make me even more embarrassed, especially with my belly button exposed. Friends, at 16 years old, I was once a young girl too. That day was my first day making my debut in society. I was completely disheveled and couldn’t fix my clothes, you know? At that moment, I was holding my stomach while everyone else was laughing. The supervisor came over and asked me, “You have so many larger-sized ones, why didn’t you ask someone for help?” I said, “I didn’t dare.” He said, “Your button dared to pop off, what are you afraid to say?” “Quickly go to the laundry room and get a size three.” I was still feeling terrible, crying and running all the way, while covering my exposed belly button as I rushed through the building. I was just like that. I really looked like a palace maid rushing to her execution. Entering the elevator, I had to call out, “Press the button for me, please.” The person opposite didn’t hesitate at all, and directly slapped their hand on my belly button. With that level of comprehension, I just knew they must have been my classmate. After changing my clothes, I really didn’t have the courage to go back and face everyone. I waited until their meeting was over before I dared to gather my courage to push open the kitchen door. When I opened it, in that space there were only two things that could be summed up in one word. Later the director told me, “That’s two words.” I just said, “My English is poor!” But actually that button I’ve kept it until now. After that, I’ve worked more than a dozen jobs of all sizes, and I’ve also made quite a few embarrassing mistakes. But every time when I’m feeling sensitive, ashamed, awkward, or insecure and can’t find a solution, I take out this button to comfort myself and say something to myself. Thank you everyone, I’m Wang Yue. Hello everyone, I’m Heideng. COWED person. Are you ready to enter Heideng’s world? (Ready) Then turn it off, quick. Friends, have you ever experienced this situation? Taking a high-speed train and as soon as you board, you find someone has taken your seat. (Yes) I’ve experienced it once. Not giving up seats for disabled people. Fighting with disabled people for seats. The seats on high-speed trains have a very thoughtful design that you might not know about. When you’re selecting seats A, B, C, D on the booking page, a prompt box pops up. It says the system has arranged a special seat for disabled passengers for you. Do you accept? Have you seen it? (No) It doesn’t matter if you haven’t, once you get a disability certificate in the future, it will automatically pop up. Don’t worry, everyone will have a chance. When I first saw it, I was quite touched, it’s humanitarian care, right? Accept or not? Of course I accepted, why miss out on a good deal? After clicking accept, it started loading with a spinning circle and after half a minute it said they were sold out. The system has arranged other seats for you, have a pleasant journey. How can anyone be happy now? Before you asked me, I was actually quite happy. I went out for a walk, and as soon as I stepped out, I ran into this guy who came over and tapped my shoulder. Hey, young man. I said, what’s up? Bye-bye. Have a nice life. In real life, you’ve never seen people like this, right? (No) They wouldn’t survive to adulthood, these are the people who get beaten up the most. Right? They run up to you and say, Want some chocolate? Chocolate, my dad brought it back from Belgium, Belgian chocolate, the best chocolate in the world, want some? Yes, I do. Tell your dad to buy it abroad. Chocolate is called chocolate. Who wants your chocolate? I have my own Uni Spring Breeze Sugar-Free Tea. One sip of Spring Breeze, full of tea fragrance. No need to go abroad, you can buy it anywhere you want. Just say if you want it or not, you definitely do. Don’t wait, pause the video, go now, I’ll wait for you. That day I couldn’t get the disabled priority seat, just a regular ticket. When I got on the train, someone was already sitting in my seat. My seat was D, and that person was sitting there. I was about to… I was going to ask if there was a mistake. Just as I was about to ask him, he beat me to it. He said, ‘You sit in C.’ With such certainty, that absolute authority, ‘You sit in C.’ I was wondering if he was the train conductor. Who was he to order me around, right? You could at least discuss it with me, not really discuss it. Just give that impression, with the right tone I would accept it. ‘Would you mind sitting in C, young man?’ ‘Sure.’ ‘You sit in C,’ then I couldn’t agree. But this is all hindsight. In that split second, my brain couldn’t process it, I was intimidated by his attitude. ‘You sit in C.’ I said, ‘Okay.’ As soon as I sat down, I realized, why should I listen to him, right? I was angry all day. When you don’t perform well in an argument, it’s frustrating. That evening when meeting friends for dinner, I finally figured it out. I could have tricked him! I could have said D stands for disabled seating! So I should be sitting in D, right? Next time I encounter this situation, I’ll battle with him. I’ll say, ‘You go sit in C yourself, I’m sitting in my D.’ ‘D stands for disabled, anyone who’s been to middle school knows that.’ ‘Don’t tell me you’re a rapper, bro?’ My friend said, ‘Abbreviation for disabled? Wouldn’t that be C?’ ‘C for crippled, so you sitting in C makes sense.’ ‘C for crippled,’ my brain wasn’t working again, right? I said, ‘By your logic, I could sit in B too, for Blind.’ ‘Sitting in B would be perfectly appropriate, wouldn’t it?’ He said you could also sit in seat A. I asked how could I possibly sit in seat A? He said people’s first reaction when they see you would be, ‘Oh, a disabled person has come to sit.’ Later I actually bought a seat designated for disabled people. In a train with 16 carriages, about two of them have accessible toilets. In the first row of that carriage, that space is indeed spacious. Have you noticed that the first row is also easy to find? It’s where everyone puts their luggage. I was really looking forward to the disabled seat today, but when I came in and looked, what was this supposed to mean? Squeezing in with the luggage. Making disabled people watch the luggage, aren’t they afraid of theft? Actually, right, even if they stole something, they couldn’t get away with it. But what’s the real reason? Because the first row is closest to the door, does that make sense? People with mobility issues can reach their seats as soon as they enter. This is actually quite reasonable. But when selling tickets, there’s an issue with that page, that pop-up window hasn’t been fixed for five or six years now. You should switch the order of these two steps. Don’t just come at me with a shameless face asking if I want it or not. First go check at home, look through your inventory, see if you have any left, and only then come out to sell. Right? If there’s none left, just keep your mouth shut, right? You know those red packets in WeChat groups, when they’re all claimed, shouldn’t they just be taken down? Why still have a ‘click for details’ option? Who wants to see who got how much money? I didn’t get any, so I don’t want to know, right? It’s a terrible experience, really. Have a pleasant journey. People usually wish you things you don’t have. Wishing me a pleasant journey shows they know I’m angry. I got stuck at the first step of identity verification. It asked me to find sunflowers in six different pictures. It’s a small thing, but it’s truly a terrible experience. I really can’t do anything about it, so I’m just telling this as a joke, just sharing it as a funny story for you to listen to, right? But product managers, don’t just treat this as a joke. Take it as something to fix. Yes, can it be changed? Yes, definitely it can be changed. Go change it now. Stop watching. Pause the video for a moment. If you don’t change it, I’ll keep watching you. That’s all for now. Thank you everyone. Hello everyone, I’m Zhenyong. Let’s move from this dark rap world to the world of my accent, okay? (Okay) I am from the Hani ethnic group in Yunnan. Because I’m from an ethnic minority, I grew up speaking my native language. My Mandarin is terrible. But can you believe that with this accent, during my freshman year, I actually dared to participate in our university’s speech competition? When I went backstage, the previous speakers were so good, their Mandarin was so perfect. I was thinking backstage, the only way I could win today was to make the judges think I was a foreign exchange student. So after I went on stage, I frantically imitated how foreign students speak. I even tried to score points by imitating them shouting ‘I love China!’ KING OE CO deer. I live in a mountain area that went viral last year, called the Ailao Mountains. Have you seen it online? After people online said Ailao Mountains were mysterious and scary, it became popular. Many people sent me messages asking, ‘Zhenyong, can you take me into the mountains? Is it free to enter the mountains?’ I said, ‘Yes, entering the mountains is free, but rescue operations cost money.’ Our local GDP is now driven by rescue teams. So because it’s a mountainous area, my Mandarin is really poor. Another reason is that when I was young, teaching resources were very limited. My Mandarin is so good, I have to thank my elementary Chinese teacher. He had multiple roles – he was also my math teacher, the vice principal, and my aunt’s husband. ‘Da gu die’ means my aunt’s husband. He didn’t have much education before he started teaching us. Have you ever experienced a situation where the teacher and students are solving a problem together and neither can figure it out? This problem was solved by Teacher Hou Peicen. OLCONED person. I even suspected he wasn’t there to teach, but to study with us, because he also wanted to take the middle school entrance exam. I feel that, but he was much greater than your elementary Chinese teachers. Because he truly passed on everything he knew to us. Okay. Actually, our school’s environment was really terrible. Our school was right in the village, with villagers raising livestock and poultry next door. When we were kids, everyone did that math problem about chickens and rabbits in the same cage. We didn’t even need to calculate, we just went outside and counted them. But after counting for a long time, I can tell you the correct answer: chickens and rabbits really don’t stay in the same cage. These animals couldn’t be contained at all, they would run into the school and cause chaos. Once when our teacher was solving a problem on the blackboard, two bulls charged into the classroom. We shouted, ‘Teacher! Bulls! Bulls!’ The teacher said, ‘Thank you.’ But when he turned around and saw something was wrong. He immediately tried to end the class, wanting to send us away and go home. But not a single student left, we wanted to watch. So I can tell you this: as a child, I never stepped foot outside Yunnan, but I witnessed Spanish bullfighting in person. So as a child I always felt I was living with animals, which left a deep impression on me. So much so that when I grew up and went to bars playing that ‘three parks’ drinking game, I’d answer without thinking. I remember once when I was drunk, someone asked me what’s in a zoo. I said, ‘Classroom buildings.’ They said, ‘No.’ I said, ‘My uncle then?’ The textbooks were also very outdated, passed down from generation to generation, and everyone would scribble all over them. One textbook that left a deep impression on me had Qi Baishi’s shrimp painting. By the time it got to me, the shrimp was already in a hot pot. They also took all the characters in the textbook and colored over their eyes, scratched them out. So while Qi Baishi painted shrimp, they made Qi Baishi blind. Later things finally got better, and finally a teaching student came to teach us in the border region. But this teacher’s life was even harder. He had to trek through mountains and rivers to bring some supplies back from the county town for us. For example, instant noodles, when I was a child, were very rare where we lived. Instant noodles were very scarce in our area. They weren’t even considered a staple food, but a dish, a very delicious dish. When I was a kid, I really loved eating those instant noodles with rice. Every time after eating, I felt so happy I was dizzy. (Carbon monoxide poisoning) (CO poisoning) Now I finally know it’s called carbon monoxide poisoning. Once we had quite a luxury, our teacher brought us four different flavors of instant noodles. That was also the first time in my life I had a four-dish meal with soup, so it was quite a challenge to finish. As ethnic minorities, we usually eat wild vegetables and fruits. Once I gave my family’s wild vegetables to my teacher. The teacher asked, ‘Zhenyong, are these wild vegetables really edible?’ I said, ‘Teacher, of course these vegetables are edible. We Hani people have been eating them for thousands of years, eating our way into becoming an ethnic minority.’ But now conditions in the border regions have improved, we’ve caught up with the times, and even get to drink the newly released Uni-President Spring Breeze Roasted Tea. Made with triple crafting process, it’s great. Border people are still not very good at commercial endorsements. Better stick to comedy. But for the teacher back then, there was another particularly difficult issue, which was bathing. We all bathed in the river, but he was too embarrassed to join us. He had to go deep into the mountains to bathe. Every time he trekked through mountains and streams to get there and trekked back again, it was like he never bathed at all. But whenever he went to the mountains to bathe, we were very worried about him. Worried he might not know the way and face danger, or even more worried that he might become too familiar with the path and just leave, never to return. So many people don’t understand why, under such harsh conditions, some teachers lasted only half a semester, while others stayed for just one semester before leaving. This teacher stayed for three or four years. Later we found out he had signed a 5-year employment contract with the school. But this teacher was really great, he stayed for 6 years before leaving. The teacher was so kind, before leaving he told me, ‘Zhenyong, I see great potential in you. You must work hard to get out of these mountains.’ I said, ‘But teacher, if I get out of these mountains, I’ll be in Vietnam.’ But today I want to stand on this stage and tell my teacher, welcome back to our border region. Now we have proper bathing facilities there, my great-uncle has retired, and you’re welcome to come be the principal. That’s all. Thank you, I’m Zhenyong. Hello everyone, I’m Norah, and I’m really happy to be here. As the host just mentioned, I’m currently running my own business. The situation with our company right now has its ups and downs. When I’m busy, I text my husband and it takes him forever to reply. But when I ask about the company situation, he replies instantly. The pressure from running the company is really intense. I think I’ve developed phone anxiety. I feel compelled to respond the moment I see a message. One time, I got mad at my husband because I had just asked him when he’d be home, and he didn’t reply to my message but just came home instead. And now whenever I see that little red dot on WeChat, it drives me crazy. My dad was showing me my childhood photos, and I was so impatient. I desperately wanted to scratch off that red dot on my forehead in the photo. Generation gap, folks. To break my phone addiction, I’ve tried many methods. On the plane with no signal, I thought, great, I can read 10 pages of my book. Nope. I ended up editing 10 photos instead. Finally last year, I made a decision. I went to a 10-day meditation retreat on an island in Southeast Asia. For 10 days, you have to surrender your phone, can’t speak, can only eat vegetarian food, and you have to meditate every day. Actually, I just wanted to break my phone addiction. My mom asked me, “Why do you need to go to Southeast Asia?” I said, “Mom, I just want some peace and quiet.” My mom said, “Peace and quiet? Then go to Jiading.” I said, “Mom, for meditation, I need to go somewhere where nobody knows me.” My mom said, “Then go to Aunt Wang Mingxia’s house.” “Who’s Wang Mingxia?” “See? You don’t know her.” I finally bought my ticket, but then faced a new situation. The flight was scheduled for 9 AM, but at 8 AM, a typhoon was set to hit Pudong Airport. Everyone else canceled their tickets, but I refused. I was determined to fly. I thought, what if, what if when it’s time to take off, the airport happens to be in the eye of the typhoon, then we could still fly, right? When my husband found out I was going to the airport, he said something that predicted my future. He said, “Honey, you’re really brave.” Finally arrived at the meditation retreat. My body started feeling strange. The staff asked me to hand over my phone. My hand reached forward, while my body pulled back. I never realized this phone had such recoil. In that moment, I actually felt like what I was giving up wasn’t my phone, but my lung. Because I could barely breathe. The staff looked at me sympathetically and nodded. I walked to a corner, sighed, and pulled out another phone. Who doesn’t have two lungs, right? After being warned I’d be kicked out, I finally experienced life without a phone. I have to say, the withdrawal symptoms were severe. The first night, this is how I slept. Day two. Completely zoned out. On the third day, my roommate quit. She said her roommate had epilepsy. During daytime meditation, everything around was quiet, but inside my head I kept talking to myself. 10 days without checking my phone – what would happen to the world? Would the Three-Body aliens invade Earth? Maybe. Are Musk and Trump still best buddies? Probably not. Will LABUBU prices go up? Definitely. Why did I come here to detox from my phone? On my rare vacation, I should be singing karaoke in a villa. I really want to eat silver arowana fish. In my mind, I prepared ink and brush, writing four large characters: I want out. Friends, without phones, all you can do is meditate. This process was painful, and I thought about giving up. Many people around me quit, but I stuck it out till the end. Because halfway through, I had an epiphany. In a meditation retreat, what’s most important? Is it meditation? No, it’s winning. After the retreat ended, I didn’t immediately grab my phone. I found the organizers. I said thank you, these 10 days I put down my phone and my anxiety. Just one last question, where do I get my certificate? They said there was no certificate. I got upset right away. I said without a certificate, how can I prove I’ve let go? I felt like I suddenly picked it all back up again. I picked up my phone and saw lots of messages, many friends were worried about me, sending multiple texts asking what happened, why my phone was off when they called, and if they should call the police. After three messages, there was nothing more. I felt like I put down my phone, while he put me in his memories. The work chat groups were also peaceful, 10 days without replying to messages, and surprisingly nothing was delayed. Seeing this, I became more anxious. I immediately started replying to all group chats, until all 682 notification dots disappeared. Only then did I feel the kind of peace I hadn’t experienced in these 10 days. At that moment I realized that I probably just enjoy this feeling of being busy. I get anxious because deep down I envy those very relaxed friends. But perhaps accepting yourself and loving your own state is what brings inner peace. So friends, I won’t be going to meditation camp anymore, at most I’ll just go to Aunt Wang Mingxia’s house. Thank you everyone, I’m Norah. Hello everyone, I’m Chen Shu. The show ‘Singer’ is quite popular lately. I also went to be a ‘singer’ recently. I cut my right hand. While cooking, I accidentally cut the thumb on my right hand. It bled a lot, so I quickly wrapped it with gauze and rushed to the hospital. But in the emergency room, if all you’ve injured is just one thumb, you end up looking like you’re gloating. Really, there were many people with casts, others in wheelchairs, passing by me, and there I was, like the pot calling the kettle black. Truly, when I went to register, the bleeding hadn’t stopped yet. And me as a person, after getting injured, I become very easily agitated. I thought at that moment, could I see a doctor first and register later, so I started bargaining with the nurse. We were like a mother and child at a toy store window. I said let me go see first, please let me see. Then she got impatient. One sentence made me behave. She said, ‘Go ahead then, see if the doctor will let you in.’ The queue was slow, but the consultation was efficient. The doctor just took one look and said, ‘This thing of yours, I can’t handle it, go to such and such place.’ They can stitch it up for you. Then they refunded my registration fee. Refunded my registration. I suggested they examine first, then register. Nobody listened. So I had to take another taxi, queue up again, and register again. The evening rush hour was terribly congested. My blood vessels were flowing quite freely too. When I arrived, I said, ‘Doctor, I’ve cut my finger, the previous hospital said they couldn’t stitch it, and sent me here.’ The doctor said, ‘Then I probably can’t stitch it either.’ He didn’t even look at it and just said he couldn’t do it. I couldn’t help myself and started encouraging him. I said, ‘If he can’t do it, does that mean you can’t either?’ He said, ‘You could stitch it.’ I think you can do it too. Why don’t you try? It’s okay.’ The doctor was completely at a loss, having lived for decades without ever experiencing this kind of motivational coaching. Finally, he reluctantly agreed to take my finger and unwrap the bandage. ‘Let me refund your registration fee. I really can’t do it.’ Then he started holding my thumb and explaining why. He said, ‘Look, this wound on your finger, it’s already separated now, do you see?’ I said, ‘Yes, I see it, I see it, please stop touching it. If you keep doing that, the next hospital won’t be able to stitch it either.’ I was thinking to myself, ‘What’s going on, how come I’ve been to two hospitals and neither could stitch it up? My poor finger is really born at the wrong time.’ And both were supposedly good hospitals, really good hospitals. It reminded me of that saying that was going around online, something like ‘The world is just a makeshift operation.’ Many people when they see this phrase would say, ‘I feel comforted.’ I wasn’t comforted. I was refused treatment. I noticed some books in that department on the shelves, and I was wondering. If I started studying medicine now, would I make it in time? Would I make it? Too late. Because I couldn’t even turn the pages to read. Then it was the same routine again, the doctor started introducing me to the next hospital. That night I saw one, and they recommended another one. I saw one, and they recommended another. They were trying to guess what I’d like. I was just staring at my hand. I thought, is this still a thumb? Isn’t this just a relay baton? Bleeding, being passed from one to another. A 4×100cc relay. When I got in the taxi, I wanted to tell the driver, “Please drive faster, it’s the final leg.” When I got to the third hospital, it was truly different, very professional, not amateur at all. I felt it as soon as I entered, especially the security guard who was super professional, he wouldn’t let me in. Because I was in a hurry, I took a shortcut, but he said I had to go back and go through security. I said, “Security check?” In my condition, who could I possibly harm? I know security checks are for checking restricted knives, right? Restricted knives. Isn’t it because I couldn’t control my own knife that I’m here for emergency care? And you still need to check me? Still need to check me, right? But the doctor was indeed professional, very professional, and offered me two treatment options. The first option was surgery, stitches, and hospitalization. The second option was going home and letting it heal naturally. I said, “What’s the second option?” I’d been running around on the elevated highway at night. The first hospital said the second could stitch it, the second said they couldn’t. The second hospital said the third could stitch it, and the third said no stitches needed. I said, “Why don’t you all have a meeting first, right? How did you come to such completely different conclusions?” Do medical textbooks also come in different editions?” Then I asked him, “What happens if we don’t stitch it?” He said, “Without stitches, the wound will…” I said, “How fascinating.” Then I asked him again, “What happens if we do stitch it?” He said, “With stitches, the wound will heal very beautifully.” I said, “Beautifully? Are you going to stitch a flower on me? Then I’ll have a hand full of roses. Besides, I don’t know what’s the point of having a beautifully healed wound on my hand. After getting into an argument with someone, I slapped him right across the face, and he said, ‘Oh, nice one!’ right? Then I asked him again, ‘What if I don’t get stitches? What are the chances it’ll heal properly?’ He said, ‘About 80%.’ When I heard that, I said, ‘So that means it’s pretty much guaranteed to heal, right?’ He said, ‘No, there’s still a 20% chance it won’t heal properly.’ What does 20% mean? It’s 1/5. What does 1/5 mean? He kept testing me, testing my math skills right there. Then to make it clear to me, he gave me an example, and the example was extremely relevant. He said, ‘1/5 is the probability of injuring one of your fingers.’ That’s exactly 1/5. I said, ‘Ah, did you really have to use such a vivid example?’ Suddenly his explanation made 1/5 seem very large, but with his next sentence, he made 1/5 seem very small. He said, ‘If you get surgery, with stitches and hospitalization, it will cost over 10,000 yuan.’ 10,000 is much greater than 1/5. I said, ‘No stitches, no stitches.’ ‘But if you don’t get stitches, you’ll need to sign the medical record confirming you refuse surgery.’ It’s really cruel, hitting where it hurts most. It’s like signing a form to abandon treatment for my thumb. And they need the thumb itself, they need the thumb to personally sign it. Thank you, everyone. Hello everyone, I’m Dai Wei. I’m also a mild person, a CONED person. A CONED person, a mild-mannered Cantonese. In my family, there’s someone who’s a very traditional, old-fashioned woman. She’s not very educated and quite conservative. She’s my 6-year-old daughter. She has a play kitchen set that includes pots, bowls, ladles, sink, oven, everything you need, basically a plastic open-concept kitchen. I hate this toy the most. Because my daughter, as soon as she gets home from school, starts washing dishes and cooking there. It irritates me just watching her, and I think, ‘What are you practicing for?’ She hasn’t mastered rounding numbers, but she’s already learning traditional female virtues. She often comes over with a bunch of plastic food, asking what I want to eat, and then spends ages pretending to cook it. I pretend to eat it, and she happily scurries off to wash the dishes. When I think about her serving that good-for-nothing husband of hers it just breaks my heart. I feel like this child has such outdated thinking. She has no idea how many women out there have fought hard to gain the freedom from washing dishes and cooking. She’s already going backwards. What should I do? Is there any game that cultivates career-oriented women, like a female version of Monopoly, a Rich Madam game? In this game, wherever she goes, she collects rent, she doesn’t need to be anyone’s wife, but becomes everyone’s landlady. Just thinking about it makes me happy. But sadly, there’s no Rich Madam game. In the end, I just bought her a plastic toy dishwasher. Well, at least it’s something. After I discovered her traditional mindset, I started noticing more telltale signs. Her best friend now is a boy in her class, a little boy named Tiantian. One day my daughter told me she wants to marry Tiantian. I asked why. She said because Tiantian is the class monitor. She’s only 6 years old, and her first criterion for choosing a spouse is actually having a secure position. She even said she wants to move into Tiantian’s house and cook plastic food for him every day. Then marry him when she grows up. I said, ‘Being classmates isn’t enough, you want to be a child bride too?’ She doesn’t care, she insists on going to Tiantian’s house to play. What can I do? While putting on her socks and shoes, she was complaining. She said, ‘Dad, these socks are too tight.’ I said, ‘I’m binding your feet.’ I feel that the whole environment and culture contain many stereotypical ideas that will influence her. My daughter, since she was 3, has firmly believed that only girls can wear pink and only boys can wear blue. Whenever I wear pink clothes, she mocks me. ‘Dad, are you a girl?’ I said, ‘I’m not a girl. I’m just low-key fabulous.’ You know, I’m really worried that these stereotypes will limit her. Because people will always tell her to be gentle and obedient, and when she grows up, to find a stable, easy job and finally marry a good husband. What’s that all about? Don’t I deserve to have a daughter with sharp opinions, a flourishing career, who doesn’t rely on men? Can’t I, Dai Wei, produce my own Yang Tianzen? What I hate most about this is teaching kids to be obedient. I tell my daughter don’t just do whatever people tell you to do. Think for yourself, resist patriarchy, understand? She says, ‘Yes, Dad.’ I say, ‘Resist patriarchy!’ She says, ‘Yes, old man.’ Why are you looking at me? I really hope my daughter can be influenced by more outstanding women. I’ve even thought about how to redecorate her room. Put up a Zhang Weili poster on the wall. Replace the AC with a Gree one. And on her desk, always keep a bottle of Lao Gan Ma sauce. I even showed her Frozen, you know, Elsa is Disney’s first female lead who doesn’t marry a prince. She loved it, but didn’t understand it. She only liked Elsa’s dress. Said she wanted to wear it for Tiantian. It drives me crazy. But at least she can wear blue. I just need to gradually change her mindset. My next target is her favorite game of playing house. She loves it so much because I’ve always given her positive feedback. Always praising her, ‘So delicious, baby is so great.’ It’s completely unrealistic. I should give her some realistic feedback. Next time when she serves the food, I’ll smack it away and say, ‘These same dishes again? I work so hard to support you.’ ‘Just giving me plastic fried rice with eggs.’ ‘No wok hei at all.’ ‘It’s all polyethylene, not delicious at all.’ Then my daughter will break down, ‘Cooking is too hard, I want to play house with Tiantian.’ ‘No problem, let him be the husband.’ ‘I’ll teach you guys a non-traditional way to play house.’ As soon as Tiantian arrives, I’ll start passive-aggressively saying, ‘A husband who doesn’t cook? Can we even call this a home?’ Then I’ll tell him, ‘Once you enter my house, you become part of my family. From now on, you’ll take our surname Dai.’ ‘Perform well, don’t cut yourself while cooking.’ Then the Ultraman that Tiantian brings can be used to play their child. When Tiantian leaves and forgets to take it, my daughter asks me, ‘Should we return it to him?’ I’ll say, ‘No need, this is called keeping the child but not the father.’ Finally, I want to tell my daughter… I don’t want you to live according to my ideas. I just don’t want you to feel limited. Like with clothing colors, for instance, you can have your own preferences. But you should know that boys can wear pink too. COMED people. And you, my daughter, can certainly wear blue as well. Thank you everyone, I’m Dai Wei. Hello everyone, I’m Chen Mingfei. My ancestral home is in the countryside. Our village mainly grows peanuts, but as for me, I’m allergic to peanuts. Actually, I grew up in the city, so I shouldn’t have had to eat so many peanuts. But my grandparents sent them to me every year. A child may travel a thousand miles, but punishment will find them wherever they are. They kept sending them. When I ate peanuts as a child, I would start tearing up. My parents thought it was a problem with how they were cooked. So they used high-purity peanut oil from our hometown to fry peanuts for me. Under my parents’ careful nurturing, I was sickly from childhood. My family encouraged me to exercise more in my free time. But allergy symptoms work like this: they get worse as blood circulation speeds up in your body. So the more I exercised, the worse I felt. My health deteriorated, so my family told me to exercise more. Later, while running, I said, “Mom, I think I just saw my great-grandfather.” My mom said, “If your heart is weak, you should eat more peanuts.” In my first year of high school, I finally couldn’t take it anymore and went into shock for the first time. It happened after school while playing soccer. My first shock – I didn’t understand what these physical changes meant, but I knew something was wrong and wanted to grab my backpack and go home. I made it to the McDonald’s by the school entrance before collapsing on the ground. Passersby thought, “He’s been poisoned by a hamburger. Foreign trash poisoning Chinese people.” The server thought, “He must be sent by KFC.” The manager was really decent though. He didn’t have to help me, since I hadn’t collapsed inside the store, but he took a risk and saved me. I was truly grateful afterward and sent them a banner that read: “McDonald’s: Saving Lives and Helping the Injured. Big Mac: Miraculous Healing Powers.” Then they took me to the hospital where I got hormone shots, had blood drawn, and underwent tests. The doctor said, “You’re allergic to peanuts and should avoid eating them. And for an hour after eating, absolutely no exercise.” When I heard this, such a precise method of attempted murder. I looked at my parents. I felt like the peanuts from my hometown hit me right between the eyes. The doctor said your family should stop using peanut oil for cooking. So we switched to soybean oil. After a month, we discovered I was allergic to soybeans too. My family was completely baffled. My dad suggested, “Why don’t we try GMO oil?” I asked, “Are you planning to modify my genes?” All these years, my parents have felt guilty, constantly telling me they’re sorry, for accidentally feeding me slow poison for over a decade. Hearing this makes me feel conflicted, because on one hand, I truly don’t blame them. In our village, generations have grown up eating this stuff with no problems. If I were them, I wouldn’t have guessed a child could have such issues either. But on the other hand, their metaphor is too accurate. My father is from Shandong. My mother is from Hebei. I looked it up, it’s the same setup as Pan Jinlian and Ximen Qing from the classic novel. One person always provides the poison, another prepares it, all to get rid of poor Wu Dalang. My disconnect with my hometown is also reflected in certain ideological differences, leading to strange conversations between my grandparents and me. The most memorable time was when my grandfather told me, “Grandson, your good grades are because your great-grandfather was buried in an excellent spot.” I said, “What? The problems I couldn’t solve through hard work, my great-grandfather solved by lying flat?” My grandfather explained that when they buried him, they chose a grave with good feng shui, called the ‘Top Scholar Grave,’ claiming that thanks to this grave, I could easily get into Tsinghua or Peking University. I don’t understand why my grandfather would tell me something like this. Because if I believed this logic, it would be hard to feel grateful to my great-grandfather. I’d probably just think about using more of my ancestors to fulfill more of my wishes. I said, “Grandpa, I actually have a few more wishes. Could you sacrifice yourself for me too?” Deep down, I don’t believe in fatalism, but I found that during exams, it was hard to control my fondness for that grave. At least it gave me a strange confidence when entering the exam room. My classmate asked, “Chen Mingfei, why are you so confident today?” I said, “Because, buddy, I’ve got someone underground backing me up.” “Your decade of hard study is nothing compared to my ancestors’ silent accumulation of power.” He said, “That’s bold. Did you bribe someone?” I said, “Man, we had so much money we burned it.” Just because of this ‘Top Scholar Grave,’ I remained extremely confident throughout high school. Until the year of my college entrance exam when our village was building a new road and they dug up my ‘top scholar grave.’ I was like, who took away my precious connections? They needed to open the coffins and move them to the new ancestral burial ground but they found many ancestors had been buried for too long the coffins and remains had turned to soil and couldn’t really be carried intact to the new cemetery. So they got an excavator which many villagers had never used before they weren’t skilled at operating it and the bucket was swinging like a flipping pan. My ancestors were dropping bit by bit along the way. That year, my mock exam scores also kept dropping one after another. When the final exam results came out I missed Tsinghua or Peking University by just one point but I was content truly content. Because I knew my great-grandfather had already done his best. How could a broken you protect a broken me? But I think if I could do it all over again I would follow that excavator and as it shook, I’d be saying ‘pieces be with you.’ I’d take a broom to collect my Tsinghua and Peking University fragments. I don’t feel much regret actually because almost getting in feels pretty much the same as actually getting in. Until I participated in an offline stand-up comedy competition. The club’s promotional post was written like this: ‘The contestants in this competition are diverse with various backgrounds. We have students from Tsinghua, Peking University and Chen Mingfei from Beijing.’ I thought, that doesn’t seem quite the same. But the result of that competition was pretty good I beat all the contestants from Tsinghua and Peking University by just one vote. Looking at that one vote I said, ‘Is that you?’ But great-grandpa you helped me in the wrong competition! Thank you everyone, I’m Chen Mingfei.