五五开=妈妈一米五+爸爸穿鞋一米五？三句话成功让这个男人为我花100万！丨《脱口秀和Ta的朋友们 第二季》 STAND-UP COMEDY2
Hello, I thought it was a shield hitting a spear. The shield went crazy and even ate the upper “shield” but not the lower “shield”. When the avalanche happened, no one was innocent. I don’t know why we have to divide them into groups. It’s not necessary. You see, this color is very consistent with the current situation of our talk show industry. There is a lack of successors . I am very happy to show you some performances with less than 290 votes. I will stand first. Then I will get excited . I will get excited . In the first episode, I shared my feelings about being a father. I am very worried. I don’t know how to educate my children in the future. I didn’t receive a very good education in my childhood . When I was a child, my father implemented the kind of frustration education on me. When I went to the bathhouse to take a bath, he would rub my back personally. Every time I went, I felt I feel like I was abused at home. The force of his hand was too strong. Aka (alias) Bathtub Astro Boy. The bath towel he gave me can’t hold water. Has anyone been sanded by sandpaper? My pores were rubbed open and I turned into SpongeBob. I said my father loved me. My father said he couldn’t bear this little pain. Before I entered society, my father smoothed out my edges. Fortunately, I am not Yue Fei . The words I just tattooed were rubbed away by me. My mother didn’t pay much attention to my education. The only encouragement she gave me was after I took the college entrance examination. She insisted on holding a graduation banquet for me to celebrate. I don’t know what she was celebrating . It was to celebrate that I was admitted to the top three universities in Shanxi Province. My mother didn’t pay much attention to me. She just wanted to collect money. My college entrance examination score was 200 ( I collected 500 yuan from relatives as a gift. Others came in droves to cross the single-plank bridge. My mother spent all her money and came back. My mother also wanted to invite my teachers. I said, “Mom, which teacher dares to come? You are not going to poison the teachers in the food, right?” If the teachers really came, the scene would be too much like “Tiny Times”. My mother raised her glass. The reason we are gathered here today is to celebrate the best child in our family . Jiye is so funny. Every word of thanks sounds like yin and yang . Without the hard work of the teachers, Jiye would not have come this far . Thank you for the hard work of the teachers. The teachers are also afraid that I didn’t put in any effort either. It won’t be today, right? Educating us My family is definitely not able to help. I am actually more worried about my child’s health. I am afraid that my child will not grow tall. It is hereditary in our family. My mother is 1.5 meters tall and my father is 1.5 meters tall when he wears shoes. Their marriage is 50-50, true gender equality. When we were young, we looked like a family. My parents are both fat. Really, when we took family photos, it looked like we were having a party. When the egg boy got lost at a party, no one could find anyone. Once when we were visiting lantern festivals , all three of us got lost. On the fifteenth day of the first lunar month , our family did not reunite. Later, I was particularly touched when I listened to the music of the five people. The dwarf missed me. When I was six years old, I understood that my parents really dared not travel far. I am 1.75 meters tall now, which is not very tall, but if you only know my starting point, you will not laugh at me. My destination. The first lottery I won was a genetic lottery. I am very afraid that my child will not be so lucky. I was often laughed at by others when I was a child . I was 1.3 meters tall in junior high school, not as tall as the desk. During class, the teacher said that I looked like a crocodile. I couldn’t stand up in the class. My deskmate was a boy. We were both short, so it seemed very ambiguous in class. Others raised their hands in class, but we raised our hands together . Our classmates nicknamed us Wu Dalang. I was shorter than him, so I was Wu Dalang’s younger brother. My name is Wu Cilang. I am also worried about my child’s appearance. I am afraid that he looks too much like me. It would be a disadvantage if he grows up like me. Last month, I participated in an event. There was another handsome guy who participated with me . He was really So handsome. My friend comforted me and said that it was useless to look like this. I still had to attend the event with you. A makeup artist was arranged to do makeup for me and the handsome guy at the same time. Interesting facts: Friends, I can look in the mirror myself and I know the difference in appearance between the handsome guy and me, but this makeup artist is very professional. He didn’t show it. Really, he didn’t say that if I don’t do makeup, I won’t make this money. But he revealed it through some details . But it’s better to show it. He took a deep breath before doing makeup for me, but he exhaled when he did makeup for the handsome guy. Can you understand the difference between Hu and Hu? This is the physiological reaction of the makeup artist’s bronchus to different appearances. I thought makeup I didn’t expect that the makeup artist Ka Yan used different adjectives for us. He first praised the handsome guy and then used a bunch of adverbs to modify the handsome, super handsome, huge handsome, and especially handsome. If he typed, I would no longer recognize the word handsome. After praising the handsome guy, the makeup artist turned around and said to me, Jiye, you are so white. I’m waiting for the next sentence. There was no next sentence, just one sentence, you are so white . I said, why is there only one sentence? I like Liu Zhenyun’s “One sentence is worth ten thousand sentences”. I can’t even praise steamed buns, I only praise the whiteness. Can I just leave the white without using adverbs to modify the adjectives? Super white, huge white , Libai, etc. Are the languages so scarce? Have you forgotten all the knowledge learned in elementary school? White like snow , red like fire , pink like clouds. He not only praised the handsome guy, but also said handsome guy He was the kind of well-behaved handsome. It was the first time I knew that handsomeness could be so fine. Ugliness is just ugly . No one would say Jiye, you are so ugly. You look like the kind of rebellious ugly . The makeup artist would first praise the handsome guy and then turn around and praise my whiteness. I know the makeup artist wanted to carry water, but I have never seen a bowl of water carried so steeply. It carried a Huangguoshu Waterfall. The water can’t be carried evenly, so it can be spilled on the ground instead of splashing on my face. He praised Jiye for being so white all day, and only I know that Jiye is not white, and the foundation is white. I have been worried about my child’s appearance and education. I am afraid that he will suffer the same loss as me. Until last month, when we had a dinner at home, my father talked about the future child. My father said that you are not good- looking and your IQ is not high. The child will definitely not be like you in the future. I said it’s because I am like you. My wife interrupted us and asked why the child cannot be like you. Even though you are like this , I still love you. I was very touched at that time and I really wanted to ask my wife, ” What’s wrong with me ?” I didn’t say it out loud because I know that I am the same as my child, no matter what, I will be the one she loves. Okay, thank you everyone. I am Jiye. Thank you everyone. Thank you. After a long sigh, it’s Jiye’s vote lock countdown. Thank you , thank you everyone. Jiye’s performance just now was very outstanding, especially when he was behind those two contestants. It was also very difficult to connect with them , but I think you almost connected with them in the first half , and even had a feeling that you were going to be on par with them. Then I was scratching my head and looking forward to it, but from the beginning when it came to the handsome guy and you, I felt that the content of the second half of the work was inferior to the first half, because it is a new piece , so you feel that the front is very refined, and then the back feels that of course it can’t match the quality and height of the front. It’s a bit like a small horse pulling a big cart, which is actually not bad, but it’s just inferior. I understand. I hope you understand my feelings for you. You know. I know Mr. Luo, my feelings for you, but you may not know. I have been buying maternal and child supplies in your live broadcast room recently. I bought too much. And Mr. Luo’s live broadcast room is really cheap . Basically I felt the same as Mr. Luo , that is, at the beginning, I was still laughing crazily, and because the first two were really explosive, I felt similar to Sister Lu Yu, we couldn’t laugh anymore, we were almost hoarse from laughing , but I still liked what Jiye said. Thank you, teacher , I couldn’t laugh anymore at all later, that is, I couldn’t keep up with the laughter, and the latter part was indeed not as good as the first part , but I was still somewhere in the middle, and I would definitely take a photo , so I think it is still a very good segment , it feels very good , and Jiye feels that his family loves him very much, he has a very beautiful family Yes, the great teacher in Jiye’s family, can you not be so sudden every time ? It’s a joke. It’s not sudden, how should I say it? It’s okay. Just a little preparation. So recently, have you participated in the program writing? I just feel a little bit in my heart . Yes, I can’t handle it anymore. It’s okay , let’s take a look at Jiye’s votes. The spear group needs to start grabbing the microphone. The spear group is coming. Li Wen . It just so happens that Jiye and I are also very good friends , so I would be very happy if we could perform together. We are really good friends, yes, really good friends. I don’t know how many fake friends he has outside, but at least he and I are real. Jiye , take a rest . The actor who is going to perform next is the only one left on the stage. College students applauded and welcomed Li Wen. Hi, thank you. I am Li Wen. I am now a graduate student . I am already in my third year of graduate school. I just finished my graduation defense last week. It was so difficult, friends. It was so difficult . The master’s defense is much more difficult than the undergraduate defense. Because when you are an undergraduate, you know what your thesis is about. For my master’s thesis, not to mention that a master’s degree or an academician can’t understand it, no one can understand it. As a result, I was very unconfident during the entire defense process . From the moment I walked onto the podium, you could feel that my whole state was that of luck. There was a line of words written on my face. I had no credit, but I had worked hard. I was not firm when I stood on the podium. When I stood on the podium as an undergraduate, I was particularly Don’t be so determined to stand on the podium. No matter what professors are below, just go up and say hello. Hello, teachers. I am Li Wen. The master’s thesis defense is too stealthy. As soon as I stand up, I start to perform. When I stand on the podium, I start. Dear professors, hello. It is an honor to participate in this defense. I am a student of Teacher Zhu. Friends, every sentence is a skill. Dear professors, it is to elevate the other party. It is an honor to participate in this defense. It is to lower yourself. The one in the middle is pretending to be cute. At the end, I have to introduce myself and say that I am a student of Teacher Zhu. This tells them that you still have to look at the owner when you beat the dog. And there is a very important link before the defense, which is called blind drawing , which is to draw a part of the papers for blind review. This is very difficult. It ‘s easy to fail . No one wants to be picked. I prayed and made wishes before being picked. I said, “Don’t pick me , don’t pick me . God bless you. ” My roommate was anxious when he heard it. He said, “Pah , pah, pah. Don’t mention the thesis. God bless you.” After the defense, I had a feeling that I felt that the defense was no different from a talk show. I spoke very hard on the defense podium just for the people below to vote for me. There were four mentors sitting in the middle. They wanted to laugh when they heard what I said , but it didn’t matter. They were still very tolerant because sitting below were Teacher Zhu and his friends. I have figured it out, friends, I have figured it out. Talk show should be the same as defense. I went up there and just bluffed , no matter if it was real or not, I just went up and started to perform. Hello, dear audience, it’s my honor to perform for you. My script was revised by Li Dan. Just say whatever you want. My postgraduate study was just like this , just average. Before I started, someone advised me not to go to graduate school. It was a good friend of my dad’s, named Uncle Liu. Who is Uncle Liu? Uncle Liu is a nouveau riche, he didn’t even go to high school , but he caught the favorable wind of the times and made a fortune by raising pigs, so he always felt that studying was useless. You told him that there is a golden house in books, he said there is a golden house in pigs, he himself recalled that he didn’t go to high school He didn’t regret not taking the college entrance examination at all. He just felt lucky and even thought it was a close call. I almost let knowledge change my destiny. So when he saw me , he especially liked to do one thing. He especially liked to ask me all kinds of questions to test me because he hoped to pass the test and prove that reading these books was useless . I remember one time when I met him, we were so drunk at the dinner table that I started asking him, ” Xiao Li , I want to ask you, what do you graduate students study all day long ?” I thought to myself, why are you asking me this? You want to take the postgraduate entrance examination, but he is your elder, so you should answer him well. I thought, then I will tell him some professional knowledge and cover his mouth. I said, “I am studying the disproportionation reaction of toluene to produce paraxylene. ” I didn’t expect him to tell me, ” I know. ” Benzene is poisonous. Pigs will die if they eat it. You should pay attention to safety. I said, “Uncle Liu, this is the case. We college students are different from pigs. Toluene is also different from benzene. Toluene has one more methyl group than benzene. Toluene is relatively safe.” I thought he had nothing to say , but he told me, “I understand. ” Then why don’t you study it? Really, friends, that’s what he said. After he finished speaking, I understood. He didn’t want to know the answer to this question at all , and he didn’t understand this question. The answer is , he just wanted to test me, so I figured it out and I could say anything. I said, because it’s really expensive, we can’t afford it, friends. I thought I was being sarcastic , but when he heard me say we can’t afford it, he got angry. He said, “You can’t afford it, tell Uncle Liu how much it costs. ” It felt like he was going to start a war of money and knowledge. I felt like he was humiliating me. I said I wanted 1 million, friends. I quoted a sky-high price because a bottle of toluene only sold for 25. Unexpectedly, he didn’t even think about it. He made a sound like opening a soda bottle cap at me. He said, “Uncle Liu will give you 1 million , just study that.” I said, “Ah.” At that time, I felt that Uncle Liu’s daddy smell was so good. I felt that I was so awesome. Friends, in three sentences, this man spent 1 million for me. Of course, I knew that Uncle Liu was drunk and boasting, but he hadn’t drunk enough. If Uncle Liu drank a little more, he would start talking about his life , the techniques and experiences he learned from pig farming, and even the philosophy he learned from pigs. He kept talking, and I really couldn’t listen any more. I wanted to raise my glass to interrupt him and say, “Uncle Liu, stop talking. Cheers to Mr. Pig.” But Uncle Liu wouldn’t stop. Uncle Liu wouldn’t stop. He would continue talking. He would talk about his pig farm. He was talking about how advanced and modern his pig farm is now, all the pigs live in single rooms , they eat and sleep on time every day, and their favorite music is playing in the room. I didn’t understand what he said yet, so my dad patted me and said, “What’s the difference between you and me?” When he said this, there was a bowl of stir-fried pork on the table. I looked at the stir-fried pork and said, “Maybe I can change my destiny.” That’s all. Thank you all , bye. Li Wen’s ticket lock channel is open. Why did Li Wen think of writing this content ? Because most of my jokes are based on a character and a scene to tell a story , and this time I chose this story because I want to talk about my attitude towards reading and going to school, because I think reading is really important. Many times, when I hear some elders like this, they may have some survivor bias and say something that I think may not be so correct, so I want to talk about my own point of view . Anyway, I feel very comfortable listening to his story, yes, comfortable , and it feels like a vivid feeling around me . And there is a feature of Li Wen’s talk show. You can see that there is a person who will be remembered by us both times, for Teacher Zhu and Uncle Liu Teacher Shu Zhu has been here all the time , so I feel a little bit regretful because the last time was so great , and that feeling hooked people and made them remember it. It was so great that they would look forward to it. But after the true and false part was over, it was gone . Uncle Liu didn’t have a catchphrase , that is, he didn’t create a catchphrase. One of them is the one that goes back and forth to get you around. The joke recognition symbol is a little bit worse, yes, it’s a little regretful . You see his image and temperament, and he expresses everything calmly and comfortably. It’s like a talk show with a lot of mudslides or something. He has a typical fresh style . Li Wen , in fact, you and Uncle Liu don’t have to convince each other. You just have your own pursuits . Meituan Flash Purchase can help the two of you communicate. You buy a book for Uncle Liu, and Uncle Liu gives you a pig. Meituan Flash Purchase will be your golden house. This show is good in every way , but it’s a little worse than the last show in every dimension, so I hesitated and didn’t shoot it. You will use a well-conceived script to restore a character you have seen in each show . As a series of performances, we are also looking forward to it. We hope that it can be maintained to the last show, which may be more attractive. I am particularly looking forward to giving applause to Li Wen again. Jiye returned to the stage. Let’s take a look at the scores of Jiye and Li Wen. Jiye advanced smoothly with 245 points . Meanwhile, Li Wen had to wait in the waiting area.