踩缝纫机不仅赚钱还能看明星？给木乃伊瘦脸大眼 P成了木乃小姨！|【脱口秀和Ta的朋友们 第二季】 #脱口秀和Ta的朋友们第二季 #Stand-up Comedy2
Thank you everyone. My name is Maodou. I do have fatty liver. I did an ultrasound and couldn’t find anything. My liver is full of fat. I said last year that I was losing weight, but I failed. The unlucky platform really listened to me and didn’t send me a single business order. Now I am Fat and poor, the director was also very anxious. I was in Shanghai recently for a competition. The director told me, why don’t you try the Egyptian mummy that is very popular in Shanghai recently ? I said Shanghai is fashionable and the food is getting more and more diverse. He asked me to go to an Egyptian exhibition that was very popular last year. Have you been there? It’s very popular. I just finished this exhibition two days ago. How should I put it? It’s full of useful information. At the beginning, they asked me to go to see Pharaoh. I thought they were going to see rap. They asked me to arrive at 10:30 in the morning. I said rappers get up very early. I said, can Pharaoh get up? He said that Pharaohs usually don’t get up. Suddenly I went to the museum. My audience opened my video homepage and was shocked. Northeast spicy hot pot, Xi’an roujiamo, Egyptian mummy . Edamame is indeed not picky about food. And I don’t know anything about Egypt . What should I talk about? When I went in, I introduced the Nile flood. I only knew Lao Luo and Da Zhangwei. I wanted to find a tour guide, but I couldn’t get reimbursed, so I followed the other group. I heard the brother behind me turned his head and saw that you are Edamame, you are also here The tour guide said , ” I’m also from Dalian. Everyone was looking back at me. I was so embarrassed. I quickly switched to another group. The tour guide was saying that the pharaoh in the Pyramid of Khufu was Maodou. I’m also from Dalian. I don’t meet many people from Dalian in Shanghai in a year. They’re all here studying the pyramids . In the end, I paid a tour guide. I only knew three things about Egypt : the pharaoh, the pyramids, and the Sphinx. I asked the tour guide, but the word “Sphinx” got stuck in my mouth. I asked, “Do you have a lion head here ?” He said, “Sir, are you hungry? ” The tour guide was indeed very professional , but the guy was too interactive. He was explaining that Egyptian painting had been in decline for a long time since the Middle Ages . When did it revive? Mr. Maodou, when did you say it revived ? I said last year? The painting showed Egyptians sitting on the side of the road drinking beer. I said, “This is a painting of Julu Road . Who knows this?” He asked, “That Egyptian painting ?” What do the eyes on the coffin mean? I said it means reincarnation, which is not right. I said it means wisdom, which is not right. He said it means seeing. I said seeing, what is there to ask? I was suddenly cueed and was shocked. He said that the Egyptian pharaoh Tutankhamun had political struggles with his father and was almost killed several times. Suddenly he asked the child in front of him, ” How is your relationship with your father? ” The child was shocked . My father and I have a good relationship. My trip was not in vain. I helped them solve an unsolved mystery of the world. They said that the colors of the faces on the Egyptian coffins have always been randomly painted blue, red, yellow and colorful. They have been studied for a long time and no one knows what they mean. I said, “You don’t even know the blue-faced Dou Erdun stealing the imperial horse and the red-faced Guan Gong fighting in Changsha. There were really a lot of people in that exhibition. Shanghai is still fashionable. There are also Egyptians who came to see this exhibition. They were like fellow villagers meeting each other to pay homage to their ancestors. They took notes while looking at it. I said, “This can’t be “Grave Robbers’ Chronicles”, and they also said that many celebrities have come to see it.” Come to see the mummies. There is really no sense of living people in domestic entertainment. The most annoying thing is a couple in front of me. They were looking at each other and suddenly kissed each other. I asked, where did your emotions come from? Seeing the mummy’s mouth, most of them are grandpas and grandmas. Some grandpas don’t understand very well and like to argue . The tour guide said that this pyramid was built in 2000 BC. The grandpa said it’s impossible in 2000. I watched the news broadcast and it didn’t report it. You explained to him for a long time about BC and AD, but he was still confused . The grandpa is usually in the park. He was interested in the price and kept asking , how much can this be sold for? How much can this be sold for? I said, “Grandpa, these are all cultural relics. This can be sentenced to 10 years and this can be sentenced to 2000.” The old man who was sentenced to life imprisonment was too stubborn and said that these must be replicas. His wife said that they must not be, so they asked the security guard . The security guard said that they were all authentic. The old man said that he, the security guard, knew nothing. What kind of crap can you see for 100 yuan ? I got angry when I heard that . My ticket for the show was only 100 yuan. The older sister was much better . She was not interested in cultural relics . She took photos and videos, beautified the mummy, made her eyes bigger, thinner her face, and smoothed her skin. She photoshopped the mummy into a mummy aunt. Don’t say that the mummy looks thin. It’s true that the pharaoh was lying there and snoring (no no). I suggest that everyone go to the museum and really find a tour guide. You can learn a lot of important knowledge . The Egyptian ceremony of worshiping the sun god is that everyone goes out together to bask in the sun. Fortunately, I didn’t live in Africa . With the amount of sweat I produce, I work faster than the Pharaoh. This knowledge is very important because sunlight is very important. For each bucket of eggplant instant noodles, about one sun tomato is used. It is even more important. Only when it is exposed to enough sunlight can it taste sweet and sour. Tomatoes are a treasure. You can’t go wrong with the eggplant king. This exhibition will be dismantled soon. They said they won’t have any holidays in the last few weeks . It is on display 24 hours a day. It is worthy of being called Shanghai . The Pharaoh enslaved others for a lifetime and finally got his retribution. It is really scary . If you look at this at 3:30 in the morning, you can’t be sure whether there are tourists in the exhibition hall. This exhibition is really well organized because these cultural relics are very precious . Because tomb robbing is very serious in Egypt, you want to The pharaoh put all his gold, silver and treasures and his whole family in a triangle of more than 100 meters. The tomb robbers were just like those who went to the supermarket. There was no need to build a stone door. He should have built a sensor door. Wouldn’t the pharaoh’s whole family be there once they entered? Even the last pharaoh would directly take out the burial objects from other pyramids and use second-hand platforms to buy them. It’s not enough to just rob tombs. In the past, Europeans would eat mummies. This is true. There were originally thousands of mummies, but only a few hundred were left. This is not treating the pharaohs as cadres, but treating them as dry food. I was shocked. I said, when you go to Egypt, just eat some seafood. Why do you eat the food of their ancestors? Their bread might have been called stick sandwiches in the past, but after the pharaohs, it was called baguettes. In my eyes, these are all gods. Power, kingship, right? The supreme power is just a hairy egg in other people’s eyes. I don’t know whether they believe in science or not. I told them that the pharaoh has eternal energy . It’s impossible that the pharaoh has a vicious curse. Feudal superstition says that the pharaoh is nutritious, so I have to taste it. In the end, they showed me everything from the exhibition . I was hungry. The director showed me the whole content of the filming and said, “Why don’t we delete it?” I was like a fool the whole time. The narrator said that the mummy not only has the pharaoh, but also ordinary people. There are also legal persons next to me. I said, “Let’s just film some food in the future.” The director said, “Yes, what do you want to eat? ” I said, “I want to buy some beef crisps and eat it with baguette.” Thank you everyone, I’m Edamame . The countdown for Edamame’s ticket lock has started. Applause again for Edamame . Edamame, you are there to write a manuscript. I went there right and got tenosynovitis. Not tendinitis of the tendon sheath, but the Achilles tendon. It’s inflamed and swollen. Art tripped me up. Edamame feels like every cell in my body is laughing every time I perform. I feel so happy. Egypt. Edamame is my idol. You are my idol, okay? What attracts me most about Edamame is that no matter how noble or advanced you are , it’s like you are something that everyone worships. He will give you a bang and pull it to the soles of your feet. He says it like what we all say in normal times. I think this is what I like most about him. He can destroy everything. I like him so much. Mr. Luo, what do you think of Edamame this time ? How is his energy on the stage ? As a comedian , only you and Jia Hao have energy comparable to that of rock singers. Their energy is like a bulldozer. And I think this episode’s text is a breakthrough. When you first debuted, we all thought you were amazing, the braised large intestines and all that. But at that time, there was a wrong perception that you could only create based on life . Now it’s okay to create based on observation. This is very valuable. You have a bright future. Thank you, Brother Dou. Why did you get up so early? I want to see the master. I’m watching the stock market. What is Qiu Rui doing? The competition is coming up. I’m revising the manuscript. Don’t revise it. Let’s go have a drink. I haven’t finished revising it yet. And I’ve been fooled by Hu Lan’s empty manuscript plan. I won’t go with you no matter what you drink. What if you drink Uncle Lao (Old Village Chief Wine) Where is Old Village Chief Wine? The national liquor, Old Village Chief, is a real pure grain wine that tastes good and does not make you drunk . It makes life happier. It has to be Uncle Lao (Old Village Chief Wine). Good wine, good friends , happiness will come soon. By the way, have you finished writing the manuscript? I have revised it . Yesterday, Uncle Lao (Old Village Chief Wine) accompanied me to revise it. It was very exciting. You have finished writing. Let’s give warm applause to Maodou. Let’s take a look at Maodou’s live votes. The Mao team starts the microphone grabbing mode and countdown. Xiao Siye, you two are very powerful. Xiao Siye and Xiao Qi , come on, Xiao Qi, tell me the reason for your challenge first. We are Mao Jiang Zihao is very lonely. It feels like he is alone. And I like Teacher Maodou very much . I am also from Northeast China. The good reason is the same. I think we have to be braver. So now, Xiao Qi and Xiao Siye , your choice is mine. I choose Xiao Qi. Come on, applause, welcome Xiaoqi. Hello everyone, I’m Xiaoqi. I ‘m from Northeast China. I’m from Fuxin, Liaoning. Have you heard of this city? (No) Well , then I haven’t heard of Shanghai either . I don’t like Fuxin very much because there are no young people and no entertainment. I don’t know if the only bar in Fuxin is serious or not because it sells spicy hot pot. There is no werewolf shop. They only kill werewolves in their lives. Aging is very serious. There are a lot of old men and women in the square chatting every day about who died last night. The housing prices are also very magical . The house I bought in my hometown now is worth 30,000. I bought it for 100,000. It’s amazing. It’s not very cheap, but it falls very quickly. I comfort myself by saying that there is one advantage of a 100,000 house, that is, the maximum compensation is 100,000. Who would have thought that this house is leaking and the downstairs wants 8,600 from me. I said I’ll give you the house and I’ll flood you twice. It’s hard to find a house in a big city. I complained to my friends, do you understand? I was in Shanghai and said my house was too cheap, 30,000 for 60 square meters. He said the total price was 1.8 million. I said the total price was 30,000 , so cheap. My toilet was only 32,000. What did I mean by that? My whole family, my mom and dad , don’t live in a more expensive place than your dad . They didn’t understand. I bought that house for 30,000 in my hometown. One year I was short of money and wanted to sell it , but I couldn’t. They probably didn’t understand why someone would be short of 30,000. It’s not like winning 30,000 by playing mahjong. Some people are so smart that they think they know finance and give me that kind of crooked trick. You mortgage your house and don’t pay back the money. Once the bank takes the house away, it’s equivalent to selling it. I said, how can I I paid 7,800 RMB for a house worth 30,000 RMB , and the bank said I could pay 360 RMB a month. I said I didn’t pay it back, and six months later I became a deadbeat with 2,100 RMB in arrears. I don’t like taking the high-speed rail , and there are no jobs for young people in Fuxin. As a result, my father thinks that there is only one kind of job in the world , which is to get into the system. Do you know what it means to get into the system in Northeast China? It feels like I have instantly changed from a person from Fuxin, Liaoning to a Beijing kid. I really don’t understand. My father tried to spend 150,000 RMB to get me a job at a highway toll station when I just graduated. I paid 1,800 RMB a month. I asked him why he paid 150,000 RMB for 5 houses and earned 1,800 RMB. My father said it was a stable iron rice bowl. I thought 5,800 RMB is an iron rice bowl. 1,800 RMB That’s called an ear pick . They do it because it’s iron. I think they do it for face, do you understand? Because I want a stable job that pays 1,800 yuan instead of 150,000 yuan. I can find a job that pays 3,000 yuan. I told my boss that I only want 1,800 yuan and we can be stable. Even if the boss’s business goes bankrupt , he has to take me with him because it’s hard to find such a fool. In order to convince me, he drove me to the highway toll station to see and said, “Look, this job is easy and simple. I’m not going to hide it from you, friends. Have you seen some highway toll collectors? The camera is on and every action is strictly required. The smile is very weird, right? A car drove over and he said, ” Have a safe journey ?” I was shocked at the time and said, “What is he laughing at? What does it mean?” He wanted to tell me , “Look, I have 150,000 yuan and I can’t spend it. Do you think I’m stupid?” But even though I cursed like that , you can tell from that imitation that I did do that job , but I didn’t spend that money. The swindler who asked for 150,000 was arrested, but after I went there, I found that I was not suitable for this job at all because it had very strict management and I have ADHD. I’m sure you have noticed that I can’t even talk without shaking my head. The next day I started working, I was reprimanded for picking my hand. My friends couldn’t believe it and asked, “You were picking your boss’s hand . It’s there when you shake hands. ” And I was particularly afraid of being a substitute . I worked for 18 hours straight. How did your friends feel? There were a lot of cars that day. I felt that my apple muscles were strained from laughing, and I immediately grew eight apple muscles. Later, they began to tremble because they were exhausted. The driver was scared when he looked at me because I smiled at him like that. Is anti -fatigue driving so strict? I thought, if I’m like this and I still spend 150,000 to get a regular job, I might as well steal 150,000 and go to jail. Friends, I calculated that the second one is more cost-effective. I stole 150,000 and was sentenced to at most 6 years in prison. It took 7 years to get my money back. In prison, I can still make money by operating a sewing machine. Although I’m not on the payroll, I have a number. If my dad dares to ask I asked why I was in jail. I said it was stable and I could watch celebrities. I thought stability was the only benefit of this job. In the second year I worked there , I was replaced by ETC (electronic toll collection). They asked me to call and sell ETC (electronic toll collection) every day. I felt humiliated because I was not replaced by artificial intelligence, so ETC (electronic toll collection) is not smart. This thing has been around since the early 2000s . I felt that the wheel of the times had driven 5 kilometers and then turned around and ran over me. There are still young people in Fuxin who can kill you. So when did I decide to quit this job and do talk shows ? I went to visit my grandfather’s grave and found that life is unstable and full of surprises. According to local customs, I put on a speaker that plays 24 hours a day. Then I went again the next day and it ran out of power. It changed from the Namo Amitabha to noisy. I said it was too scary, but I suddenly realized that if I stayed in Fuxin, I would be the battery in the speaker. I would run out of power in one position. So I don’t want to be a battery, I want to be a firework. I think when I die, my ashes should be made into fireworks and set off for me. I guess my children will still be talking about my dad doing talk shows all his life. It finally exploded and I must let them remember that I will also put a speaker in my mourning hall to prevent it from running out of power and become voice-activated. When someone comes, play my classic jokes. The children come to see me and kneel down and say, “Dad, I’m here to see you. Are you haunted? It’s too scary. Run away. Have a good trip. Thank you all. I’m Xiaoqi . Bye, Brother Qi has one more light than Maodou, so I think he should have won . Here comes the countdown for Xiaoqi’s ticket lock. Let’s give applause to Xiaoqi again. Xiaoqi is strong in text , and his performance adds a lot of points to him . Then when I was watching him speak, I actually imitated his head shaking several times. Xiaoqi , are you like this usually? It’s the same or it’s a style you have when you perform on stage. When I’m excited, I will shake my body . That’s right. If you take a shower, you just hide from the shower so you don’t get wet. It’s like a rapper. He needs to have his own flow. He needs to use gestures to control and emphasize his own rhythm. Your style is especially suitable for performing in India. You will be more popular in India if you keep shaking your body. Xiaoqi, you are talking about highway tolls today. What other jobs have you done? I actually worked in a photo studio, doing photo editing for children photographers, doing photography design, etc. I also worked as a carpenter . Hairdresser, you are this, your buddy is there , yes, and the clasping of hands is also real. Our predicament is very similar to when we were drinking. I worked late every day in the studio and earned 2,000 yuan a month . He also worked late at the toll booth and was far away from home, so we empathized with each other. How did you get on the talk show stage ? There was one time when I was a legal person and a legal person pharaoh. I was in a photography studio and I opened one. At that time, I lived in the studio and worked. There was only one mattress in my studio. Every day I woke up from the mattress, walked to the workstation and started working, and then after finishing the work , I played for a while and went back to the mattress to sleep. I started a business.
Sometimes I didn’t go out of the house for a week, and I felt very lonely. There was an echo when I spoke because it was too empty. Then I checked the Internet for some talk show performances or activities, and went there. Then I gradually realized that starting to talk about talk shows is equivalent to a process of self-rescue. Isn’t it like saving yourself? Yes , I think he is still far from his best condition this time , but even so, he is still super strong. Xiaoqi is a performer who dares to roll all over the stage, just like an ordinary actor Isn’t it necessary to learn to liberate one’s nature in the early stage? It feels like he was liberated in the womb. This is how I came out. The delivery is mom, here I come. You have been a social bull since you were a child, right? Yes, since you were a child, the drinking tables in Northeast China are all that kind of. Not at the drinking tables of your parents, you are required to stand up and perform. The child can feel the texture of the TV series from his text, just like the very popular “The Long Season” and “Moses on the Plain”. Because on the stage of general talk shows, the Northeast is just a background and an accent , but I think Xiaoqi made me imagine that it is the feeling of the Northeast. Xiaoqi’s article seems to be a very special one , because the Northeast is so special. I believe he is a person with very rich literary accomplishment . He talked about the real estate in that place. That place is actually an empty city. The young people have left and only the elderly are left. That’s all . In fact, you have seen it in the drama before. I have been in Fuxin for four years. Although Shenyang is not that prosperous , I will still be shocked when I enter Fuxin, because the urban environment of Fuxin at that time is indeed relatively underdeveloped. Shenyang has a subway, but Fuxin has few buses. When I entered that city I am not used to was going to perform in Chengdu on June 10th, and she was going to play in Chengdu . We hadn’t discussed it. The later stage happened to be recorded during those days, and then we bumped into each other. She said she would accompany me on the trip. I was very happy for her . Originally, I thought she would only be eliminated in two episodes . You accompanied me on the trip. How fast did you do it? My son is so talented. Thumbs up. Thanks again to Xiaoqi for his wonderful performance. We also invited Maodou to return to the stage. It’s really hard to say. They are both very good. Who will enter the next round ? Let’s see the scores of the two. This is very exciting and full of suspense. What do you think of Xiaoqi? 40 votes. I think Maodou Maodou (bad) 8 votes, very close. Sit down. Maodou 278 votes. Congratulations on Maodou entering the next round.