Special: 😆😆Zheng Ping’an’s funny collection | The Litchi Road
Who is Ma Guiyun? Me. Aren’t you Zheng Ping’an? I am Ma Guiyun! Li Shande’s going to get killed. Not him. He has nine lives. Your life. You can’t save it. This is a good joke. Build a relationship? I fear Amita might grow too attached. Seriously. Don’t laugh. You underestimate Amita. In fact, you underestimate me. Look closely at me. You’re about to throw up! I know myself very well. Mr. Ma, you’re eloquent and willing to comfort me. and willing to comfort me. I’m more than happy. If you don’t mind, I can go with you, even to Chang’an! I don’t seek any title. I just hope to be cherished. Miss, do you even believe your own words? Your conviction is strong. If you can’t win my heart today, will you be in trouble later? Mr. Ma, I don’t understand what you are saying. You know. You know what I mean. You shouldn’t dive straight into the topic. We don’t know each other well, so jumping right
to the point isn’t right. We can take our time. Not really. Think about it. You don’t have a target yet. Taking action is useless. One’s eyes never lie. Look closely at me. You’re about to throw up! I know myself very well. We’ve met a few times, but you’ve never focused on me. But yesterday, you suddenly showed interest in me. You must have done it by order. I came out with you today to help you clear your mind and relax. No need to act. Acting is exhausting, you know. Mr. Ma, so you knew all along. I just don’t understand why Mr. Zhao is so concerned about my private life. Um… You don’t have to tell me. If Mr. Zhao asks about it, just say you find me disgusting and can’t accept me. Forced love isn’t happiness. Alright? Thanks, Mr. Ma. Ping’an. Ping’an. Are you a rooster or what? Crowing at my door at this ungodly hour? You flit about like a bird. Gone without a trace. No sleep, no homecoming. Xiu. Come over here. Uncle. Xiu, you’re here. Have you eaten breakfast? No. Not yet? Then… She just said she’s hungry. Go. Go buy some flatbread. Go now. Thank you, Uncle. Don’t wander too far! You’re the best. Come on. [Zheng Ping’an,
Assistant Minister of Banquets] Did you see the house? I did. Does it matter if I saw it? Why would I need to see my own house? Your own house? That was bought with my sister’s dowry! To pay for her medicine, the house was pawned. And still, her life couldn’t be saved. These years have been tough on Xiu, following you around and constantly renting places to live. Now someone’s willing to sell. Just buy it back. Yes, yes. I’m not refusing. What’s the final price? The middleman didn’t know it was my old house, so I listed every flaw. Look at these beams. Full of wormholes. Patched with lime and coated with lacquer. See this beam? A later addition. Broken. And the middleman panicked. Finally settled at 300 guan. Just the same as when I pawned it. Then don’t hesitate. Not only will it fulfill your wish, but it’ll appreciate in value. Opportunity knocks but once. If you put it that way, I should act fast. But… I’m a bit short on money. How much more do you need? I have 130 guan. Total’s 300 guan. You have 130 guan? Get out. Ping’an. Ping’an. You call that “a bit short”? You’re flat broke! Li Shande, you’ve been an official in Chang’an
for over a decade. No promotions, no savings. All you do is fuss over plants. Do flowers grow silver? You need to swallow your pride
and flatter your superiors. Drink with colleagues. Only then can you… Whatever. I don’t play those games. Look, Xiu’s back. You’re back. I’m back. Is it good, Xiu? Delicious. You had one too? Xiu, take it. Take it. Have more then. Yes. See how kind your uncle is. Well… For Xiu’s sake. Thank you, Ping’an. Thanks, Ping’an. Well, I prepared loan notes. Two copies. Keep yours. Alright. We’ll leave. Say goodbye to Uncle. Goodbye, Uncle. Goodbye. You go inside. [Borrower: Li Shande] When did he write this? How did he know I’d lend to him? Li Shande! Do you remember what I taught you? Yes. Who are you? You rascal! Are you blind? Don’t you recognize who’s arrived? Why strike a servant? Aye. And you dare call others “rascal”? Outrageous! Why the delay? Lead the way now! Sir, this way, please. [Zhao Xinmin,
Chief Secretary to the Inspector] You’re eating it wrong. Sugarcane isn’t meant
to be eaten straight. You chew it to extract the juice, then spit out the pulp. With such a presence, you must be Mr. He? I wouldn’t dare claim that title. I am merely Mr. He’s chief secretary, Zhao Xin, styled Xinmin. And you are? Ma Guiyun, in service to the Right Chancellor. Since you’re older, may I call you Mr. Zhao? Is it appropriate? No. Deeply inappropriate. I have nowhere to stay. Guiyun. No. Well… Ping’an? Yeah, safely.
[*”Ping’an” means “safe” in Chinese] I made it to Lingnan without a hitch. Why are you here too? Well… It’s a long story. Before I left, I went to see you. Now… Ping’an, you… Safe for you, safe for me. Safety is what matters most. Never thought I’d meet an old friend
so far from home. Mr. Zhao and I have urgent matters to discuss. A night-long conversation. You should head back. We’ll talk another day. Go back and wait. Mr. Zhao. Ping’an. So that’s how people greet each other in Chang’an now? Chang’an sets all the trends. It is just one way to greet people. There are also “Fu’an” and “Lu’an”.
[*Happiness and blessings] All common greetings. Ping’an. Li Shande. Get in here. Li Shande. My legs are numb. What are you doing here in Lingnan? None of that matters now. Just remember this. I’m no longer Zheng Ping’an. I’m Ma Guiyun. Ma what? Ma Guiyun. Ma… Who is Ma Guiyun? Me. Aren’t you Zheng Ping’an? I am Ma Guiyun! This is serious. If it’s serious, you should’ve consulted me first! Wait, Ping’an, even if the Zheng clan cast you out, why would you come to Lingnan and take the surname Ma? What? Are they some prominent family here? You’ve got a matrilocal marriage? No, listen, your sister is gone. I have to look after you in her stead. Shut your mouth. How dare you mention my sister? Because of you, my sister lost her life. Xiu was left in your care, and now we don’t even know if she’s alive or dead. And you followed me all the way here. Do you want to wipe out
the entire Zheng line? Is that it? No. You want every last Zheng dead, don’t you? You… You jinx. That hurts. Shouldn’t I? Why hurt me like this? From now on, you go your way, and I’ll go mine. Get out. But… Why the name Ma Guiyun? Get out! Just remember the name. And you should fear me. Why should I fear you? Tremble at the sight of me. Why would I ever fear you? Leave. Get out. Out. What is wrong with you? Please. Get out. Are you insane? You told me to fear you. You scared me half to death. Does he stay here? Who arranged this? Mr. Li says it’s nothing serious. “Put it on his account”. Whose account? Fine. Brilliant. A master of mathematics, yet all he’s ever calculated is how to scheme against me. Come and eat. Are you going to start your office? Brother-in-law. Move. I’m afraid of you. Please don’t be. Brother-in-law. Last night, my words were improper. Please don’t take it to heart. When your sister was alive, you didn’t even call me that. Now you are calling me that. I dare not accept the grace. Don’t say that. Shande… Shande… I ran to the streets three times to buy Lotus Leaf Glutinous Rice
with Chicken, fillet porridge and prawns. No need. No. I’m a jinx. Whoever sees me will be unlucky. You have cut ties with me. Let go of me. Shande. We can’t break ties like this. Shande. We have Xiu as our connection, right? You also mentioned my sister. Let’s eat, shall we? Don’t make me beg you. I’m a tough man. The Glutinous Rice with Chicken
should be eaten while it’s hot. Let’s go. Shande. You specialize in mathematics. I’m no rival to you in this field. But when it comes to matters involving entanglement and mediation, you’ve got to learn from me. Is that so? I can never learn to be so brazen as you are. Get to the point. Shande. I can help you with the money. It’s just that I’m facing my own difficulties now. If you help me get through this hurdle, when we meet obstacles and tasks beyond our abilities in the future, we can always help each other, creating a win-win situation. Now I understand. So the situation is, something shaded your bright future, and you need my little help to solve it. See? You are smart. You get it instantly. But I have to know what it is about. Although your surname is Ma now, and I became your ex-brother-in-law, I will do everything I can to help you in the future. Using what you just learned? So you are talking in circles and dodging me? I don’t like to hear that. You got me into such a crisis, didn’t you? What does it have to do with me? You told them about Pan Bao’s death,
didn’t you? As Ma Guiyun, I didn’t know Pan Bao’s death. Wasn’t I exposed? So who exactly is Ma Guiyun? Stop asking me. It’s dangerous to know much about it. Well, now that you say so, the more reason I have to know. Things have already come to this for me. How much worse can it be? Do you really want to know it? Speak. Then I’ll tell you the truth. Master. Gou. Don’t stop me. In this world, The person closest to me is Xiu, right? The second closest person to me is Gou. And you are also closest to me, right? Since you want to know, then I’ll tell you. Even if those who know about Ma Guiyun will die immediately, he is willing to accompany us. Wait… Don’t scare me. I’m bound to die. I’m not afraid of death, nor will I surrender to it. So why bother to scare me with death? Shande. If you don’t know who Ma Guiyun is, you’ll have four more months to live. But once you know who he is, you can only live for eight more hours. And still, you are willing to know. As expected of my brother-in-law. Ma Guiyun is… Well… Ma Guiyun is… Wait, I mean… Ma Guiyun… Actually, I’m not that curious. When you get curious, I’ll tell you that. Alright. Mr. Li. Guiyun. Chang’an lies thousands of li ahead. Who knows when we’ll meet again? Take care. “Green hills bar the north
beyond the wall. Clear streams bend east
through fields below. This parting sends you far alone. Like autumn weeds
when west winds blow. Your mind will drift with clouds. My sorrow lingers
with the day’s last light. We wave our hands, and you ride away. Your horse still calling
through the night.” My talent is meager. I cannot craft worthy lines on the spot. So I borrowed Li Bai’s verses to convey my heart. Mr. Li, the road ahead is muddy. Stay safe. Since you’ve gifted me a poem, I must return the courtesy. No need for formalities. No, it’s only proper. It’s getting late. I’ve got one. I’ve got one. “Northward, my homeland
fades from sight, My sleeves are soaked
with tears all night. No paper nor writing brush on my steed.” May Shande’s words
bring Ping’an’s heart. This is Cen Shen’s poem with slight alterations. The original goes… I know. Yours is better. Shande and Ping’an are in it. Mr. Li. “Set forth, my friend,
fear not the lonely way. For all beneath the sky
shall know your name.” Now, hit the road. – Aye.
– Aye. I have a life-or-death matter
to discuss with you. I know. Li Shande’s going to get killed. With that stubborn, inflexible mule temper of his, trouble’s bound to happen
sooner or later. He brought it on himself. Let him fend for himself. Not him. He has nine lives. He’s safe for now. I’ll send a message to Zhao Xinmin, telling him Li Shande isn’t working
for the Left Chancellor. So he won’t have concerns. You said it was a life-or-death matter. Whose life are we talking about? Your life. You can’t save it. This is a good joke. How could it… Why so sudden? Let me see. What’s going on? Sir. This is strange. He was full of energy half a day ago. How did he collapse in half a day? Master went out. He came back and started burning up. Probably caught a chill. Nonsense! Can you catch a chill here? This is heatstroke. I know you’re worried about my life. You’re so worried
that you have a fever. If you stay away from me, I might feel better. You feel hot? Okay then. Get some air! Get rid of that quilt! This will cool you down. The quilt makes it worse. Gou, go pull up all the window curtains. Let the air flow. He’s having a fever. Here, move a bit. Come on. I understand. Though I don’t want to die, I’m not a coward. But we can’t let fear get the better of us just because we’re going to die, right? Feeling better? When I was little,
I had my fortune told. The fortune-teller said I would be snatched from the jaws of death. I won’t die. And I even have a gift. I can transfer this bad luck of mine onto someone else. Why are you laughing? You could either
wish me a quick recovery or just get out of here. I’m comforting you. Is this comforting? Transferring bad luck to someone else? Other people want to live too! Why are you so agitated? If the bad luck were to be transferred, you can’t blame me for that, right? You can only say this person was born under an unlucky star. That he’s unlucky and doomed to die at an early age. Who’s unlucky? Who’s doomed to die at an early age? Get out! Well, this doesn’t seem like a fever. You are possessed by a spirit. And you won’t listen to advice! Sir, just stop trying to comfort him. Fine, I’ll go buy him medicine. Take good care of him. You should’ve knocked. Give me my money back. What money? Don’t play dumb. Su Liang gave you a fortune, and you still asked me to pay? Now I’ve got nothing left. You can’t just leave me broke. That money was for litchi transport. I can’t touch it. You’re so extravagant! You blew through it all? I’m Ma Guiyun now, not some Assistant Minister of Banquets. No income at all. I’m broke now! And I’m feeding you! At least give me this back. What? The 20 guan you used to buy a house! Wait, Ping’an, why did you even bring the IOU to Lingnan? What, what is this? This? Just admit it. Repay me. I can pay you back. But you need to be honest with me, Ping’an. You came to Lingnan, but why insist on using the name Ma Guiyun? Who is Ma Guiyun? And that day, when we drank, you said you wanted revenge. I… I’m worried. What’s really going on? Knowing too much won’t do you good. Even if it’s bad, you have to tell me. I… I’m worried about you. Ma Guiyun is the Right Chancellor’s envoy. He died. The Left Chancellor asked me
to take his name and come to Lingnan to… Wait! Gou, get out. Close the door. Hey, get out. Sir, I know more than you do. Fine. I’m after the letter of fealty He Youguang wrote
to the Right Chancellor. I have the letter now. I could have gone back to Chang’an, but I heard my father’s death was linked to the Right Chancellor. I want to gather more proof. I want to bring him down. You? Bring him down? And you’re delivering litchis. Have I ever laughed at you? Both of us are stuck with deadly errands. Poor Xiu. Her two closest people are walking the line between life and death. Ping’an, we have to stay alive. We still need to return to Chang’an. Close your eyes. Close your eyes. I’ll get you the money. No need to close. Just bring it to me. Alright, you go back. I’ll bring it over soon. Open your eyes. Ping’an, one last thing from me. Don’t worry. I’ll stay safe. No. Save your money. All these years, as the Hu Merchants Guild leader, Amita’s been helping He Youguang’s dealings. She must hold evidence of his corruption. Our next move is to drive a wedge between them. After the Whale-riding Tower’s fire, He Youguang profited most. Great gains bring great suspicion. If our guess is right that He Youguang killed Havoc, then Amita’s beloved adoptive father is actually her father’s killer, and she’ll surely turn on him. We can recruit her to expose He Youguang. I can approach her, but need a pretext. I told He Youguang I was here to travel and wouldn’t interfere
with his business. So, how can I avoid suspicion? A man approaching a woman needs no excuse. “Fair maiden, gentleman’s desire.” Build a relationship? Just an act. You’ve seen such tricks before at the banquets in Chang’an. Now is your chance to shine. But I fear Amita might grow too attached. Seriously. Don’t laugh. I wouldn’t mind being considered a scoundrel, but it’s unfair to her. You underestimate Amita. In fact, you underestimate me. Yes, I admit you’re charming, clever, and adaptable, but Amita’s shrewd and merciless. She won’t easily fall for anyone. I think you’re perfect for this. However, my acting skills have rusted. I fear… What? Why are you so reluctant? Don’t tell me you already had your eye on someone in Lingnan. I’ll do it. Amita, let me introduce him. This is Mr. Ma Guiyun from Chang’an, the Right Chancellor’s right-hand man. Mr. Ma. Common beauties abound, noble ladies exist, but looking at her, I feel like meeting a descended goddess. In Chang’an I heard of the flower of Hu ladies, the ruler of the Southern Seas, and the top merchant of Lingnan. I thought they were
there different people. but as it turned out, it’s one woman. Had Li Yannian met you, his “Ode to Beauty” would’ve sung about a beauty from the South
instead of the North. You are incredibly beautiful. You flatter me. My adoptive father mentioned the Right Chancellor’s envoy
was visiting. Never imagined it’d be such a young and charming man. I am flattered. So flattered. “Charming” is far too generous. Such praise deserves a banquet at Qifeng Pavilion, so we can know each other better. Too bad, I have guild matters to attend to. Perhaps another day? How about tomorrow? Tomorrow it is. It’s a date. Then I’ll wait for you there. I feel sorry for Amita. She does all the dirty work for He Youguang, yet remains just his pawn. What? Having second thoughts? No. I was just wondering, when will she come around? When will they gain real skills? Like you, skilled and influential enough to avoid such messy situations. Don’t pretend you know me. I’d like to. Miss Lan Yu. You’re still stunning without the make-up. And you’re a true hero! Unaware observers might think you were the host tonight. It was a get-together of good friends. You treated me warmly, so I felt at home. No hosts or guests. Mr. Ma, I heard the Pingyun Mountain out of town has enchanting scenery. It’s worth visiting. Shall I accompany you tomorrow? I am lowly and plain. I’m asking what I don’t deserve. Don’t cry! Hold those tears back. I can’t stand to see women’s tears. You said Pingyun Mountain? Alright. Hold those tears back. I’ll be there. Farewell, Mr. Ma. Master, how can you be charmed so easily? Lan Yu is merely beautiful. How can you be so weak-willed? Your mission is unfinished, but you’re touring mountains now? Her cheap tricks can’t fool me. I went with the flow. Mr. Zhao invited me to the banquet with motives. I couldn’t act rashly without knowing his motives. I couldn’t sever ties either. So I had to play along to figure out his true intent. Master, you’re a true hero! We’re feeling each other out. Every word gets a reply yet leads to nowhere. Our rhetoric leaves room for maneuver. Gou, you’re still too young. Appearances often deceive. Time will tell. It often takes several rounds to know the outcome. I fear your act may become real. You clearly enjoy this game. You probably are relishing the feeling of being admired. After all, being pursued is easier than pursuing others. Love holds profound mysteries. Feigned affection is false. True feelings arise from the heart. What do you know at your age? I may be young. But I’m no fool. You’ve gained more female companions here. Consultant Konglang acts
as a mentor and friend. She’s both graceful and wise. Amita stands bold and spirited. She’s as excellent as any man. Today another showed up. Delicate and charming, a tender beauty evoking affection. You’re blessed with romantic luck. You’ve grown more mature. Starting tomorrow, you don’t have to brush your teeth. Because today, I’m going to knock them out and rip out your tongue which spoke such nonsense. Where did you learn those expressions? Shameless, get lost! You’re back. You’re back. I’m back. How’s Xiu? Taller? Sturdier? Did she miss me? So many questions at once. She’s taller. And yes, she missed you. This time, the litchis will reach Her Highness’s banquet
on schedule. Xiu won’t be orphaned. I also heard you secured
the Right Chancellor’s silver token. Here it is. I even sleep with it tied to me. Let me tell you, returning to Chang’an, the last thing I expected was to actually meet the Right Chancellor. The world calls him overbearing, but only he can suppress He Youguang and ensure
the litchi transport succeeds. I heard you requested someone
from the Right Chancellor. Mr. Yu? I recommended him. More help brings me closer to success. Right? The closer you are to success, the closer I am to death! I’ve been staying in Lingnan as the agent of the Right Chancellor for so long. I’ve survived so far by treading cautiously on thin ice. Not long ago, I ran into Zhao Xinmin at Konglang Agency. He nearly uncovered my identity. I was relieved no one exposed me. Then you just brought one of the Right Chancellor’s men straight from Chang’an to point me out! No. I didn’t see that coming. I… In Chang’an, I was consumed by the litchi task. Overwhelmed. It… It never occurred to me. I didn’t realize. Go to hell! You didn’t realize? A trip to Chang’an, and you can’t tell right
from wrong anymore? Who is Mr. Yu? The Right Chancellor’s lapdog! Are you his lapdog too? No, I’m not. But what choice did I have? I was given a doomed task. When I went back to Chang’an to handle this matter, no one helped me. So I had to
turn to the Right Chancellor. He gets things done. Listen, Li Shande, Anyone tied to the Right Chancellor dies. I’m going to bring him down! Let’s… Let’s not talk about this. No more arguing. We… I brought you flatbread. Here. No more fighting. I… You think a flatbread appeases me? I really didn’t see that coming. I demand a bag! Mark my words, I’ll bring down
the Right Chancellor.