【4K超高清版】【圆桌派 第七季】EP02 照护：“我才知道这意味着什么” | 窦文涛/胡泳/李菁/许子东 | 优酷纪实人文 YOUKU DOCUMENTARY
This program is sponsored by GAC Honda Guandao, a company with ingenuity and strength, which offers a more comfortable luxury ride. This program is co-sponsored by Yilibao Zhiben Qingrun™ Chrysanthemum Tea. Teacher Xu has a bruised face. How did he get a bruise? I fell down. This is very dangerous at this age . You haven’t seen me for a long time , haven’t I? Do you think I have aged a lot? I really don’t think so. How come you are old ? To be honest, Professor Hu Yong can chat with us and talk about other topics . Of course, that is the father of the Internet in China. What is your major? My doctorate is in political science, right? But the one in front is communication. You are currently in Peking University. Which department am I in at Peking University? The School of Journalism and Communication. So Professor Hu Yong just said that he studies new I heard about it , and now I have become a news figure . I am not used to it. The main reason is that you talked about this issue. I wanted to talk about it too much . I found you and found a substitute. There is really no one. Let’s start with you , Mr. Hu Yong. Normally, we are in the news and he is our teacher, right? Mr. Hu Yong, you yourself may not have thought that you, a professor at the School of Journalism and Communication of Peking University, have really become a news figure. There are many wonderful things. For example, I used to teach documentaries in the college . My class was called Documentary. But now someone contacted me and said let’s make a documentary for you. So our “Round Table” has many friends and has the advantage that we don’t necessarily have to invite many people who have become news figures, but I think this person, I personally People really want to talk to him . Of course, they say that Mr. Hu is too popular now and his schedule is very tight. How can we make an appointment with Li Jing ? Here is Li Jing. We have someone. Li Jing said that I am familiar with him, so Li Jing must come today. I escorted Mr. Hu here. Thanks to Li Jing , she not only introduced herself, but also personally came. In fact, Mr. Hu Yong is really my predecessor because he is an old reporter during the founding period of “Sanlian Life Weekly”. So I first knew Mr. Hu Yong when I wrote articles about the history of “Sanlian Life Weekly” and Sanlian Bookstore and the history of the weekly. Then our old editor-in-chief Zhu Wei always praised Mr. Hu Yong because he was the first to introduce the concept of the Internet in 1995. It should be said that you were the first to do so at that time. Sensitively aware that the Internet will have a huge impact on human social life , Zhu Wei wrote in his memoirs that Hu Yong mentioned to me that I wanted to write a cover and introduce Zhu Wei, saying that it was not that important and he rejected it. Yes, he rejected it. Later, I found that it was indeed very important. Later , because we had a mutual good friend who was a very famous publisher , the publisher kept staring at Teacher Hu Yong . Every time he said that Hu Yong’s point of view was so good that he wanted to develop it into a book, he was very excited every time he talked about it. Later, we often asked Teacher Hu Yong how the book was going when we met because he went back to take care of his mother and had no time to write. Then, I would intermittently read Teacher Hu Yong’s circle of friends and call on the caregiver. Care notes and the like. Why do you want to post your feelings about taking care of your mother in your circle of friends ? It’s actually a way to relieve emotions. The pressure is too great , so you actually need to release it to some extent, right? But strictly speaking, because our circle of friends is set to be visible for three days, in fact, if you see it, you see it , and if you don’t see it, you don’t see it. But I regard it as a bit like a diary. In fact, it is not a diary in the strict sense because it is not posted every day , but it is a record of relieving emotions. How is your mother’s current situation? My mother now has severe (Alzheimer’s disease) . It is already severe. Yes, I think her IQ should be that of a two-year-old child. My evaluation is probably, but not yet three years old. Usually, according to what you have seen, Alzheimer’s disease , from discovery, from the early stage to the end to the severe stage, how long is this period? I am not qualified to really talk about this matter . In fact, it needs to be said by Alzheimer’s experts, but from my mother’s situation, it was a little more than three years. So fast, because when I discovered When she went to the doctor for this problem , the diagnosis was already written as mild Alzheimer’s. What were the symptoms at that time ? The main symptom was amnesia . The cruel thing about this disease is that it affects people’s memory. The second is that she has no sense of time and space . For example, we normally know that it is daytime , but she thinks it is night. But when it is night, she thinks it is daytime . These two points are very obvious. So after I found this, I decided to take her to see a doctor. What would the prognosis be for severe Alzheimer’s ? First, she cannot express anything in an organized way or with clear intentions. All her expressions are close to nonsense . You don’t know what she is saying . Then she can’t tell you clearly, for example, I want to eat now , or I want to defecate now, or I feel pain somewhere now . These most basic expressions have been lost . Does she have difficulty expressing herself or does she have this awareness? I think you can write it down on paper. Can she give it to you? Because in this process, her vocabulary has been greatly lost. She lacks the basic vocabulary for expression. This is the first point. The second point is that you will find that she used to recognize words, but now she doesn’t recognize many words. She can only recognize some words that may be related to her name. My brother just published a new book. This book is called “Standing on the Top of the World”. I used it to test . My mother only knows the two words “world ” . She doesn’t know other words. Then I said that because there is an introduction to my brother’s name under the photo, she knows Hu . My brother’s name is Hu Tao. She doesn’t know the word Tao, which is the same as yours. So in fact, it is equivalent to that because she has no vocabulary and she doesn’t recognize words, her expression is limited on the one hand , and on the other hand , it must be like what you just said, her consciousness is also problematic , that is, her consciousness can’t control her whole thing. Why do I say that I am eager to talk to Professor Hu about this ? I think Alzheimer’s disease is a very worthy issue . The number of people in China seems to be the largest. According to the figures from the past two years, there are about 15 million people over the age of 60 in China (dementia patients), and Alzheimer’s disease (patients account for 9.83 million). And I think Alzheimer’s disease is like a prominent symbol of our care problems for the elderly , because old age is nothing more than physical and mental decline , step by step disability and dementia, right? And Alzheimer’s disease is such a concentrated manifestation, and even loss of memory. It especially brings trouble to the person who takes care of him. I think it is really unsolvable under the current circumstances. But perhaps it is precisely because of the unsolvable that I admire you so much. I think , how should I put it, let me say it, I have a personal reason . My father was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease not long ago. Of course, his condition is not as serious as your mother’s. It may still be in the early stages. But in the early stages, I saw what you said and why I empathized with you. I felt like our family was like a person struggling in a flood meeting another person struggling in a flood. I feel so close to you now . We share the same suffering. I know everything you said. Of course, I You see, now people say that having children is good, right? There are three brothers in our family. But among the three brothers, the eldest is the second. I am the second and cannot be at home . Yes, the one who is at home is the third. The pressure my younger brother is under is unimaginable. But this unimaginable thing is more that he didn’t know at the beginning. He didn’t know who started to not know his younger brother. Before my younger brother was diagnosed, many of his behaviors were unpredictable. You thought it was normal aging of an old man, right? I remember a few years ago , I said that my father was good at playing music, chess, calligraphy and painting. I asked him to write. You see, I brought this with me. I said that you copied scriptures in your old age. You see, this is what your father wrote. Oh my god, it’s so well written, right? He copied scriptures every day. How old was he when he wrote this? He was in his eighties , a few years ago, when he was in his early eighties, you see, he copied scriptures every day for several hours. But , and it is obvious that his hands don’t shake, and he writes very clearly without shaking. But you know, when I went for a test , I found that now he suddenly showed that he had no interest in writing. He began to have no interest in anything . I found that these tests showed that I could draw a table at 3:15. My father used to teach in Shijiazhuang and trained many young painters in Shijiazhuang. He couldn’t draw. He couldn’t draw this 3:15 . If it doesn’t come out, you think it’s one of their methods. It’s like this . There’s a questionnaire on the computer in front. I basically answered the questions because my mother was sitting next to me. It’s a whole set of test questions. I asked her to tell me if this is “yes” or “no”, if she has this symptom or not, and then she told me to answer the questions here. After she finished answering the questions, she entered a separate clinic facing the doctor. There were only my mother and me in it because I was the one accompanying her. I didn’t say anything. After she went in, there was a series of test methods. For example, there were some wooden blocks for you to place the wooden blocks , or a very simple test like this. For example, we see here is a tomato plate and a cup. She said three words called tomato plate cup in this order . But after five minutes, she suddenly asked you what three things I just said. Then my mother couldn’t answer at all. She didn’t know that she had said tomato plate cup five minutes ago. She passed this series of tests. They gave me a diagnosis that she had mild Alzheimer’s disease , but I’m curious about her perception of children. For example, if there are three children in your family and three children in their family , does she have the ability to distinguish between your three siblings? It depends on the environment . For example, I have been the main caregiver of my parents for a long time , and my sister is out of town, so she can only come during the winter and summer vacations because she is also a teacher. Therefore, her impression of my sister is far less than her impression of me . But does she know that there is a daughter? Sorry , the first person she will forget is my sister, because my sister has little contact with her , and people like me are constantly with her in daily life , and you will find that at the beginning, she clearly knows that you are the third child , because I also have a sister and a brother, this is the third child , and the third child is the youngest. We all feel that she always calls me “old son “. “Old ” means “young”. She always calls me “old son” . She knows my name. Now she has begun to forget which one I am. Sometimes she knows my name is Hu Yong, but a lot of the time she calls me “old man “. “Old man” is actually my father. My father passed away in October last year. And sometimes she calls me “old brother”. In a sense, she remembers her brother. But my uncle passed away a long time ago. And sometimes she thinks “old brother” is my brother. So her perception of me now is, as I often say, sometimes it’s like lightning , and you are very happy because she recognizes you again. She remembers you. For example, she knows you go to work, she knows you go to work, you go home, she knows you go home, but a lot of times she doesn’t even remember things like you go to work or go home. Then it’s a bit like you have to desperately grasp this little bit to confirm your relationship with her and her relationship with you. If this little bit is missing, I think Alzheimer’s is cruel here. So you can imagine what it means to the caregiver. I think you have to say it’s a social problem , but there ‘s no way . 90% of the elderly in China will not go to nursing homes , or like you have done a special survey because I once heard of a movie star whose father was said to be unfilial at the beginning and asked why he sent his father to a nursing home. Later he said that my father didn’t recognize me at all. In this case, since I have no nursing experience , should I send him to a nursing home with special nursing experience ? It would be better for him. The doctor said that he should be given some intellectual training and then he should recover a little , that is, to delay this. A process is that I now find that you can’t do it in modern professions. Modern professionals , such as doctors, say that actually, if you talk to him more, it may be more effective than taking medicine, because there is no specific medicine now. There is no specific medicine . Yes, no, it is an incurable disease. Sometimes I heard a news recently that there is a kind of monoclonal antibody called monoclonal antibody (lencanetumab) , but that thing (recently approved in China) is in the brain. Specifically, what is the problem? Is there something growing or is it a general degeneration ? It seems that it is mainly a process of atrophy . Neurodegenerative diseases, and the cause of the disease is still inconclusive. Some people say that it is because the cause is inconclusive that there is no specific medicine . So far, we still don’t know what the pathogenesis of this disease is. Yes, sometimes it is said that during the test, there is a certain protein. This protein or neuron has some entanglement. Yes , that’s one way of saying it , but I think that for thousands of elderly people and their families, it’s really like my brother. Our family has more children and is financially better off than most. He has to go to work during the day, so the elderly can only be alone at home. But actually, taking care of him is a profession . It’s not only a profession, but the most troublesome thing about taking care of him is that you can’t divide the time for him because he requires you to be there anytime and anywhere because his condition can always happen at any time. So you have 24 hours a day, so you can’t say that I will concentrate on taking care of her for, say, three hours , and then do something else for the other three hours. It’s not that kind of process . It is a fragmented time , which is a bit like you have to be on call at all times. So this thing is very tiring. Do you think there is a way to deal with such an elderly person in an ordinary family now ? Unless there are special people who specialize in taking care of Alzheimer’s disease, such as nursing staff or care workers , or some institutions , they may set up a place to manage the elderly with dementia, because there is a logical line here. Generally speaking, the final result of people with dementia is disability . It is certain that as long as there is dementia , they will eventually become disabled. So we often package it and call it demented and disabled elderly people. Then once he reaches this In this stage of disability, your care burden is actually very heavy. Take my mother’s example. Her biggest problem is that she doesn’t know how to urinate and defecate, which causes you endless troubles because she never knows whether she is going to defecate, is in the process of defecation , or has already finished defecation. She has no concept of this process. I remember watching a film or a documentary about Alzheimer’s disease. It was about a university professor who had Alzheimer’s disease and his wife had Alzheimer’s disease . She was often seen standing in the middle of the living room with her pants wet. Why? Because she wanted to go to the toilet but when she walked to the toilet, she would get up to the toilet. Halfway through, she forgot what she was doing, so she wet her pants. Everyone is in care. This is exactly what I want to say. I divide people into four categories , namely, those who have become caregivers, those who are becoming caregivers, those who will become caregivers, and those who must be cared for. Sooner or later, we will become people, that is , these four categories . The first three are caregivers who take care of others, that is, the so-called “will become” , “will become”, and “already ” all refer to the caregivers. The last category is the one who needs to be cared for , such as an Alzheimer’s patient. So I especially want to say that everyone in this society may There are different identities , but you must be either a caregiver or a cared for. In fact, you cannot escape it. Very few people can escape this chain. So I wanted to call this topic “Everyone is in care”, but they (the media) had to attack Peking University professors and so on. In fact, when I talked to them here, I said that this has nothing to do with Peking University professors. It is equivalent to saying that I am an ordinary person, my parents are ordinary parents, and I am just doing what an ordinary person does. But I think there are also some extraordinary things. If you do n’t work at a university and don’t have to work from nine to five, if this is an ordinary working family that needs to go to work, then you are absolutely right and unimaginable. So I told you that I think I still have advantages over others to a large extent , because one of the characteristics of university teachers is that their time is relatively free, and I can take out a lot of time. If not, the requirements for the caregiver are really too high. Like the situation you said, your brother may still have a good job, but he needs to struggle between work and care, but he may not have financial problems. Some people, if they don’t go to work, even the source of income for caring for their parents will disappear. This is also true. It’s a big problem. I think it’s true that old people are like babies. When we were young, we came down with naked bottoms, and our parents would wipe our poop and change our pee, right? But have you ever thought that one day we would all be like this? When we all would be like this, my mother had a stroke two years ago and she was in bed like a vegetable. I remember my father was giving her a massage or cleaning her in the hospital ward, and he was covering her up. My mother was unconscious , and I remember my father said that my mother was also a woman, and she also had dignity , so he covered her up . But when this old man got Alzheimer’s disease , I wondered what you think about dignity. If we have such a day, your dignity is this: does dignity mean pretending to be a strong person or accepting such an unbearable truth? Alzheimer’s disease is actually the disease that hits human dignity the most, but the cruel thing about it is that the person may not know that his dignity has been hit because he no longer has any knowledge of it. But the people around him, for example, as a caregiver, I can see very clearly that his future life will neither be dignified nor of high quality. So you see, this thing is actually that As a daily psychological aspect, this is a great ordeal. But for example, her intelligence is equivalent to that of a child of several years old, so she is silly. Wouldn’t she be in such a bad mood ? Or she doesn’t think about many things, that is, many things don’t interfere with her ? Do you think she (Hu’s mother) is happy ? Strictly speaking, because you think about fewer things, her life becomes extremely simple. If it is simple, I think she is quite happy, at least not as painful as you think . And for example, there are some big things, such as my father passed away last year . In fact, my mother does not have a very clear understanding of this matter . Because we would tell her that her father went to another world, sometimes when her mind is turning, she would suddenly ask me if your father is over there , because the core of her concern for people now is what I said just now. But she has a very strong expression , that is, she often asks people if they are hungry or cold, and then she would ask me if your father is hungry or cold over there , and then when you hear this, you feel very sad in your heart, but in fact, my mother is not really thinking about whether my father is cold or hungry. She is actually a kind of It is a remnant of the habit of expression because she used to often ask her child if he was hungry or cold , or she would often express to outsiders about the problem of heat or hunger. So in fact, in these senses, you feel that she has been greatly relieved to some extent. But for us caregivers, the main burden is on our side , not on her side. Sometimes when I go home, I feel like I am treating her like a little girl of two or three years old because she is in her eighties and I coax her. Sometimes you talk nonsense to her no matter what she says, including sometimes you turn on the TV or the phone and there are images but she can’t figure out what those images are. She thinks that the things are moving, with sounds and pictures, so she may be able to play for a long time because I have a lot of people who send me magazines because I work in the media, so I have a lot of magazines at home , and I often put magazines in the magazines. I told her , “Mom, you should study.” She pretended to hold a magazine. In fact, what was her main job? She tore the magazine into strips. But she would spend a long time doing this. I don’t know about you , Teacher Xu and Li Jing. Have you ever had the problem of taking care of an elderly person ? I thought about myself in the future, and your reactions were all about yourselves. No one came to take care of me, Teacher Xu. It’s so sad. No one came to take care of me. What about your father ? He was the director of the hospital, wasn’t he? He was the director of the hospital. He died suddenly at the mahjong table. I didn’t rush back, which was a blessing for future generations. He didn’t cause any trouble to others. He just passed away. Anyway, don’t we look at the age of the elderly, right? No matter how old he is , we feel that there are not too many regrets, but you never know when he will pass away. You know the advantage of heart disease is that he will suddenly think of himself, right? I told my daughter, don’t worry , it won’t bother you . In reality, the only way is to find a caregiver who can take care of you 24 hours a day , at least that’s the case, or if you have the conditions, you can find two. Right? For example, Cai Lan found eight people, but not all of them are caregivers. They also have other functions . I also know a famous scholar who was originally in the United States, but because of his poor health , you can’t do anything in the United States, so his children bought a house in Zhuhai for him , and then hired more caregivers to take care of him. In this way, his mind is still clear sometimes, so that’s good. For the children, they have done their best. Yes , for the elderly, this is also good. Relatively speaking, it is easier to find a 24-hour caregiver than in the United States, but whether it is professional or not is hard to say. But what other ways do you have? What other ways can you find? Let me tell you that another way is to send the patient to a nursing home. Nursing homes also rely on people to take care of them. They also rely on these . For example, there are always a shortage of professional caregivers, and they also rely on these people who do this job. But in fact, they are not that professional , but they are willing to do this job. In fact, many people are very reluctant to take care of patients with Alzheimer’s disease . Another way is to work hard when you are young and middle-aged , earn more and save more money. You know, I recently read an article saying what kind of job people are pursuing now You have to grow up, then you will get sick later , then you will age slowly, and the last sentence is to die quickly . I guess I have reached my age now, and I suddenly feel that dying quickly is also a kind of blessing. There is not much meaning in thinking so, because this matter is not up to you, that’s right. But when I think about what I can face at my age, I just listen to you and say thank God that my parents have not reached this level yet, and then I remember that the only time I had such an experience was with my own grandma. My own grandma is okay , it’s not that serious , but she is sometimes lucid and sometimes confused. I feel that it is true that pain is reserved for lucid people. Every time I see my grandma , because my grandma and I have a very deep relationship , I grew up by her side, and then I think how could this person whom I love so much suddenly become like this , a person I don’t know, and then when she is lucid, the way she looks at you makes you feel that I am still right , and when she is confused, because she keeps, she always feels that she has to pee. For example, when I go home to take care of her, you just helped her to urinate, and I took a break, and then she immediately said that I need to pee again. It’s okay for her, she still has this consciousness 我会一直在的 English: But when you try to help her, she won’t help you. So sometimes I feel a little impatient , and every time I get impatient, I leave her. For example, when I go back to Beijing to work, I feel very guilty and wonder why I can’t be more patient with her. It’s always like this in a cycle. Sometimes I convince myself that my grandma is a very good, very kind, and very good-tempered old woman. Then I think my grandma is saying goodbye to me in this way . If she were still that gentle person who never lost her temper and never said a harsh word to us children, I wouldn’t be able to bear her leaving suddenly. I can only think like this. I think she is saying goodbye to all of us in this way . On the day she leaves, maybe our feelings for her will slowly fade. Sometimes I wonder if this old woman in front of me is still the person I love. She seems to have become another person. This is something I often think about . Yes, I’m also curious . Do you still have an obligation to your mother, or do you still have feelings for her? This is because I’m also studying artificial intelligence, right? AI , in fact, has A very important thing is that artificial intelligence is similar to the human brain. Then we will discuss a question , which is called self-identity in philosophy. For example, when you wake up every morning, you look in the mirror and say, “I slept last night, and I got up this morning and looked in the mirror. ” We can ask a question: to what extent are you the same as you were last night? Because it is definitely not completely the same you, because your cells and so on are changing, and you are getting older. But those who believe in self-identity believe that it must be the same you, because the thing that measures the same you is your psychology. Is there continuity in your memory ? If there is continuity, you can say without hesitation that the me today is the me yesterday. But I encountered this problem with my mother. It is not true at all. Because in any sense, she has lost all her past memories and her consciousness has been interrupted. She even has this kind of relationship with me. Because I am her youngest son , and she has loved me the most since I was a child . So my pain is that now she doesn’t even recognize me most of the time , let alone recall the scenes between mother and son in the past. Then all the past years we spent together are non-existent to her. But if I believe in the so-called consistency of psychological experience, then I should say that she is not my mother , right? Because she has lost it . She doesn’t know that you are her son. Is it true that you think that sooner or later she will not know that he is her son? There is no emotional connection, but you still know that she is your mother and I know that she is my mother. So what confuses me is that since she is no longer the same person according to her self-identity , why do I always feel that she is still the same person? So there must be another explanation . I think that judging whether a person is the same person is not only based on the consistency of psychological experience , but also on physical consistency , because I know her appearance clearly. I even joked that one thing I often do with her is that when I get home, the first thing I do is to hold her hand. We will put our hands together for a long time . I keep this kind of physical contact with her . For example, when I go out and come home, I always do this. Then she will often say, “She said, you Her hands are so cold, so she said, “Let me warm them for you,” because her hands are warmer at home . Then I said , ” Maybe for me, it’s the consistency of her hands , because this hand is still there and I’m so familiar with it. Or from another perspective, for example, it’s the consistency of smell. After living together for a long time, you will find that the other person has some unique smells that you can recognize. So , from this point of view, maybe the problem of self-identity is not as simple as philosophers think. It’s not that simple. Finally, it proves that your mother is your mother, right ? Proving that my mother is my mother is very difficult, so I said , I said, the whole process always makes you doubt, saying, who am I, who is my mother, and what kind of relationship is my relationship with my mother ? What do you want me to understand about the identity you mentioned? It can only be confirmed in interpersonal relationships. It can even be said that this identity is related to your subjective judgment, right ? She no longer knows the meaning of holding hands or what you feel is the recognition of her body and hands. This happens in your mind, right? So Jung said a sentence. Jung said that we can only be ourselves when we are others, which is what you said. In fact, it is the relationship between the self and others. Without others, it is possible that this self cannot recognize itself without others . Yes, The Other. The Buddhist view is to prove repeatedly that I am a false concept , that is, a false I , because the me of yesterday is not the me of today. If you want to be more precise, all the cells in your body will be replaced after a few years . You see, after all the memories of Alzheimer’s disease are lost, what is you ? The society gives you an ID card, which is actually a social identity. It says that you are still you, and your son thinks that you are still you. But as for your inner feeling of self, it has some very interesting things. For example, because she is an elderly person, she is still receiving her pension. The agency that issues pensions is because we all grew up on a farm in Heilongjiang. At a certain time, the farm asked you to issue a survival certificate for your mother because it wants to ensure that you cannot falsely claim the pension. So at a certain time, it requires you to issue a survival certificate. I think these four words are particularly mysterious because the so-called survival certificate requires you to hold a calendar card in one hand , and then, for example, what is the date today? Today is April 24th . You put the calendar card , that desk calendar, on April and circle the 24th. Then this At that time, you take her ID card and you have to take a photo of her to prove that her physical body exists. Is it an identity certificate or a survival certificate ? The survival certificate says that she is still alive. The survival certificate is really called a survival certificate, not an identity certificate. It guarantees that this person is still alive. Therefore, I have to give her a pension this month . Have you ever thought about Kafka? Usually, he does this once a year. We take photos like this all the time. If you have to renew your driver’s license, there will be such things all the time. In modern society, you have to take a photo of yourself in front of the mirror with your ID card . So Alzheimer’s disease promotes our thinking about ourselves . Of course, there is another thing. You said that only sober people actually feel sad for him. In fact, we are not only sad for him, but also angry for him. For example, when we can’t figure out what’s going on with our father, because he has a lot of mental confusion or something , I would say , why are you so anxious? What are you doing? You have to know that he is a patient . You can’t treat him as a normal person, right? You see, I said this to my brother. As a result, after I accompanied my father for a few days, you also became impatient, right? You know, people are really like this. I tell you. The word “filial piety” cannot solve any problems. And you must have said this when your younger brother was taking care of the child. That’s right . When I was taking care of the child, my younger brother said, ” You can’t be anxious with him. ” For example, I have an older brother and his wife who are living with an old lady (mother) who has Alzheimer’s disease . The mental symptoms it brings actually force you, the caregiver, to not be able to survive sometimes. It’s not you who can’t survive, but him and his wife who take care of the old lady. The old lady in their family doesn’t sleep every night and watches at the door. It’s his wife. That’s when the woman goes in and asks you, “What are you doing in there ?” Right? Then she says, “I’m watching you. Don’t try to hide what you’re doing from me. ” The whole night is just like what he said. She ‘s upside down all night and has delusions . You’re basically making the couple who take care of her (unable to live). In the end, my wife said, “I have to go back to my hometown.” I won’t do it. She said, “You have to know that our mother is this kind of person.” You said, ” You have to understand that she has Alzheimer’s disease.” He even gave her this knowledge . The wife said, “She is a patient , but how can I bear this suspicion of me every day? We can’t live a normal couple’s life, so we ended up like this.” The couple had to separate , yes. My brother told my mother that he would live with her from now on. I deeply understand what Wentao said. For example, I think I am lucky among all the caregivers, although the whole process is very difficult . But it depends on who you compare yourself with, right? Why am I lucky? We have just talked about one thing , that is, I am a university teacher, I have relative freedom , right? I don’t have to work in the office, so I can spend a lot of time accompanying my parents. Secondly, I am not an only child , and I have an older brother and an older sister. At least in this matter, the three of us are relatively united. Although I am the main caregiver , my sister is a teacher, so she spends almost all of her time with us during the winter and summer vacations. Because she lives with me , she will come over to relieve me of the daily burden. And then, it even affects her retirement. Originally, she could not retire, but she decided to retire in order to do this. And because of my bad waist , the last problem for this elderly person is that you can hardly support her. Because she puts all her weight on you and she doesn’t use any strength, right? So when you want to do it to her, it’s a big test for your waist and your overall strength. And for all these things, I let my brother do it because he is stronger than me, taller than me, and he is superior and stronger. So this is the unity we call brothers and sisters. If everyone does it, it can actually enhance the brotherhood of brothers and sisters. In a sense, you face something together and you need to solve it. Another very practical problem is that my own family must support me, right? Family , right ? Because I spend a lot of time here, it means that I will definitely reduce the time I spend with my spouse and children, so they have to understand me and have to endure it. Many times, just like you said, we are separated and not together, right? So these are actually favorable conditions. Why do we have to put this matter on the table? You have to take into account that many, many people , for example, because of this matter , there are many brothers who have turned against each other, right ? As you said just now, there are many couples who are not in harmony, right ? Or The child feels that he has been neglected and ignored. That’s right. There are many people like this. We talk about this. Why do I think it’s worth talking about ? It’s an unsolvable thing. At least let’s talk about it so that everyone can be prepared or hope that maybe the society, the country, the government, etc. can do something . But in reality, I think it’s very difficult . You must know that you feel good about your life now and you are a successful person . If your elders are unfortunate in the future, it is very likely that your life and career will be completely disrupted , not to mention the loss. From the perspective of the cared for , the caregiver, the deeper tragedy is that you have to become the cared for. This road is unimaginable. Li Jing, if I know you’re worried , if you say, ” Puh, phuh , phuh , if no one can avoid it, then if that happens and you need your children to take care of you, what should we do? Little beautiful girl, you haven’t thought about this problem yet, you know , I regard being on your show as a psychotherapy . There is a thing in psychology called desensitization. The more you don’t want to talk about something, the longer you force yourself to talk about it, the more desensitized you will be . It’s desensitized . I was actually unwilling to face these things before, including Teacher Hu Yong. I have to be honest with you. Although the screen was refreshed , after I clicked it, I saw what smell filled the house, so I closed it silently to avoid it. Yes, there is an ostrich mentality to escape. I will enjoy the day when I don’t think about it first, but reason tells me that I must think about it now. I think this is an improvement in human development if we talk about it optimistically. I saw a data the other day . The average life expectancy of people in the 1980s was only 68 years old , which means it is the same now. It shows that the problem of old age has come up , and your society is actually not prepared accordingly. Like you just said, 90% of people still live at home for the elderly. Let ‘s not talk about how much a good nursing home costs, isn’t there a legend? You have to save millions first, and then how much money you have to spend a month. Let’s not talk about whether you have money to pay for this , that is, whether there are so many beds. There is no, that is, you have money and there are not so many beds. Secondly, I think individuals are not prepared for this, because I saw a number the other day and it said that the proportion of Alzheimer’s disease after the age of 85 is very high, the proportion is 50% , so if you are a couple and you are over 85 at the same time, then one of you will definitely have to. Taking care of another person is also a positive view. Positive energy is right. Alzheimer ‘s disease is also a manifestation of the increase in human life expectancy. In fact, it is an irreversible historical law. Because the longer you live, the more dysfunctional you become. The probability of Alzheimer’s disease rises sharply after the age of 85. It starts to rise after the age of 60, and rises even more sharply after the age of 85. And now the proportion of elderly people in China seems to be around 2030 , and it will become ” one out of three people must be old” , that is, people over 60 years old . So this kind of case is incurable. This kind of case is a long-term problem . I was quite curious because I asked the doctor I found what the prognosis of this disease would be in the future. He said that if no one knew him in the end, he said, “I suggest that I think his point of view is that the family no longer has the ability to take care of the patient. ” He said that he thinks we should find a nursing home that specializes in nursing Alzheimer’s patients, but after he finished speaking, he said that he couldn’t remember which one was suitable for the moment. He said that there seemed to be relatively few such cases in our country , and even if there were some, they didn’t seem to be Very professional. Why didn’t you think about it? You must have thought about it. At the beginning, I wanted to send her to a nursing home, but the old lady rejected it. So at that time, her case was mild . Mild means that she still had willpower. She knew what you were going to do, including the whole process of me taking her to the nursing home. She was very clear about it. She talked with the director, the attending doctor, and the nurses there. She even ate their meals there to get a feel for their food. Then, after all this, she said, “I don’t want to go to a nursing home.” Of course, you did n’t have any other way , and you couldn’t drag her to a nursing home. So at that time, it can be said that she dominated the decision not to go to a nursing home. That is, you respected her wishes. But later, compared to the previous, I was equivalent to respecting her opinion. In fact, if she has developed to this point now, I can send her there. She has no self-determination ability because she doesn’t have that much willpower. At this time, I don’t want to send her there. Why? Because in the end, as you just said in the example you gave , the expert suggested that if he doesn’t know anyone at home at all , send him there, right? And now I feel that my mother is still I know that she and I still have a very close relationship. In fact, many times, you know, this feeling is there. Let me give you a very simple example . I have a 24-hour nanny. This nanny asks my mother many things, but she doesn’t respond at all. She even has some violent behaviors. For example, she will grab her hand and won’t let go. But when I go there, I say, “Mom , it’s time to eat now . What you need now is, for example, sleep. ” As soon as I say that, she will listen immediately . She will nod , smile, and agree. In fact, she knows that I am a very unique relative and a kind of existence to her . So at this time, I can’t bear to let her go. It’s hard for me to imagine putting her on a strange bed surrounded by strangers. It’s like sending her to another stage in advance . Yes, then my problem may be more cruel . If it’s more serious, she can’t even perceive this . In fact, as Teacher Xu said just now, I may also have some things, that is, I want to express some gratitude. In fact, I really think that any nanny who can take care of you at home is really too difficult to find . Let’s put it more directly. For example, if we don’t have these people to help you, all Everything is just out of control. If it’s really out of control , you will collapse immediately. So strictly speaking , first, if I can still find a caregiver who is more dedicated to take care of my mother , because we all have a lot of experience , because we often have to change people , and then she is not happy to do it or we think she is not doing a good job. But as long as you can still find someone and you can maintain this situation to a certain extent, I probably won’t make this decision. Because strictly speaking, it is basically equivalent to the two of us, the nanny and I, dealing with my mother alone . Because my brother and sister will still come, but I am the main caregiver, so the two of us deal with my mother together. But this is an extremely fragile balance . I often say that it is still working today, but it may not work tomorrow. The movie that was just released recently is the one by Hayao Miyazaki called “How Do You Want to Live?” There is a plot in it where the old man keeps building a tower of blocks there, and the tower of blocks is shaky. When I see that thing, I feel that my whole life is shaky because I can only maintain it today and tomorrow. For example, my mother Now her brain is not good, but she hasn’t been diagnosed with cancer, for example, because cancer is a completely different path, she may have both Alzheimer’s and cancer , or she is now at home, she is pushing a small cart inch by inch and can still walk around the house, she can still get up, but one day she may not be able to get out of bed, right? Completely bedridden. Completely bedridden is not only a heavy care burden , but it will also cause lung problems, right, and many people die from this . In fact, if she has these symptoms or I don’t take it seriously for a while , then she will fall directly onto the bed, because she can’t have any surgery at her age, and then the life that I seem to be able to maintain now will be overturned immediately. So the question you asked me is indeed very cruel. To be honest, I mean that I can never be prepared for this problem , I can never be well prepared, and I can never be fully prepared. I can only say that after it is overturned, you can think of a way to overturn it . What else can you do ? It is said that there will always be a way out when the car reaches the mountain, but I think that sometimes life can really reach the end of the road, that is, you , like you said, this nanny is too great and too important. It is too difficult to find a suitable one , and even in some cases, the elderly or this Alzheimer’s disease is mainly mentally It will also cause some problems. He cannot accept some elderly people. Many people have violent tendencies and cannot accept them. The caregivers beat away seven or eight people. In the end, some elderly people insist that they are their sons and daughters . So I can only accept family members being with me. He won’t accept outsiders. Then you said that there are also many people tied to the bed. Because after he gets up, he is really violent. He may grab something and beat another person seriously. It is possible. So there is another movie about Hayao Miyazaki that you mentioned . I found that we both have the same feeling , which is “The Father”. I always say that if you want to know about this situation, you can watch that movie . You can imagine that his inner world is actually what we call the real and the fake . He can’t distinguish between the real and the fake , or the dream and the reality . He can’t distinguish between the dream and the reality. What is often said is that he may regard a dead person as the person in front of him. It means that he actually lives in a world . So sometimes I find it very strange that he is delusional or he really sees a non-existent person. If it is the movie “The Father”, his life is actually like a nightmare . In fact, it has both reality and reality. For example, there is a flashback that he was abused in the nursing home because the male nurse beat him. Right , this is reality, but the other things , that is, the whole film, I feel has a kind of illusion , a nightmare-like feeling . Then when you walk around in that cabinet , sometimes you can walk through it, and sometimes you can’t. And the person who comes is sometimes he thinks it is his daughter, and sometimes he thinks it is not his daughter . So I think it may be both. One is that he sees invisible things. Another is that it is actually a reflection of reality. There is a residue in him . You see, I always think about this kind of problem because I have to think about the future. I always feel that sometimes I will have a beautiful fantasy about society because I have seen that, especially the only child generation in the future, if you carry a few elderly people, if one or two elderly people are like this, then the children’s lives will be over. But you always imagine that if there is such a nursing home , every caregiver here is dedicated to wash the elderly clean every day. They are all angels . I think they can be paid very high wages. But if there is such a thing, children, you take the elderly You can feel completely relieved if you put him here. He is better taken care of than you. He can take three baths a day , okay? Then there is someone to play games with him, right? And then, son, you can come to see him on weekends and play with him for a while . You can come and see him whenever you want. I always fantasize about his medical care. Someone once told me that we didn’t go abroad to broaden our horizons. Someone once described it to me. Some people also worship foreign things and say, for example, Canada or some other place is like this. Later, we really understood it and found that there are problems there and none of them are so beautiful. But is it possible to have such a beautiful thing ? In the future, this problem of society will rely on socialization. That is to say, if there is such a nursing home , would you be willing to send your child there? Actually, Professor Xu just raised a very interesting question. He said that We need to consider that we will become the care recipients in the future. What we are talking about now is the difficulty of care , but in the future you will definitely have such a problem. Then I think it is something similar to the social utopia you mentioned. For example, it may not even be real people, but robots that do this. AI , right? AI does this. But in the final analysis, it is still a failure. I think failure is an inevitable ultimate fate. It is definitely a failure. It is a failure in any sense . Therefore, if I become a person who is being cared for in the future, my own great experience is that you should make yourself willing to be cared for, and don’t keep saying ” you are still okay, you are still okay”. I don’t want to trouble you with doing this and that. This will add more burden to the caregiver. Just honestly admit that at this stage of life, I am no longer able to live physically or mentally, and I am no longer able to live on my own. Then I will just go to a nursing home and receive care from professional caregivers , or my children are able to take care of me, in which case I will accept the care of my children. But you have to think of everything, for example, you have to leave a will , and what should be distributed. If you are the only one in the world and you still have some things you need to explain to him, you should explain them in advance and then wait to be taken care of. But do you have the heart to ruin your child’s life? Every family’s care plan is the best plan for this family. That ‘s right, you don’t need to worry about it . Don’t make decisions for others. For example, when I mentioned this, a lot of people asked why I didn’t send my child to a nursing home. If you don’t send your child to a nursing home, you are foolish , right ? You are just being filial . In fact, they forgot one thing . In the end, everyone makes a decision that is in line with their current situation. For example, their financial ability, whether they have many children, and the physical condition of their children , whether they can find a caregiver, and whether they can afford a nursing home. It must be a comprehensive consideration. The plan adopted by this family must be the best plan . Outsiders ca n’t tell. So, elderly care is a completely diverse thing . Everyone will look for this balance , and the balance they can find is their best balance. This disease is actually not just a problem of elderly care, it is mainly a disease. I have a real example in front of me. My friend who is younger than me also has the same situation (Alzheimer’s disease). It is not easy during the Chinese New Year. I invited him to the party with friends because some friends told him not to bother with his brain because he couldn’t get out at all. But in the end, he still came and asked a friend to spend the night with him. He knows everything you said, but he can’t explain it clearly. From April 27th to May 27th, they will hold an exhibition for him. The participants include most of the famous people in the contemporary literary world, because he himself was the most famous critic in the 1980s. It is not a problem of retirement, but a problem of disease. He is young , but he also has this disease . For Alzheimer’s , young people also have a chance. It’s like God throwing dice. Whoever gets the lucky number gets the lucky number. He posts on Weibo every day and has friends to help him with things. He is a great genius and a very smart person, but how could God choose him ? That’s why I can’t say that I sympathize with him when I have dinner with him. I just think I have nothing to complain about. I’m already doing well in my life. It’s just like cancer now, right? Many middle-aged people are dying of cancer soon . You are also a mother, right? Sometimes I think this is the truth. You see, the way parents treat their children when they are young may be worse than Alzheimer’s, right? They cry and make a fuss about eating, drinking, pooping, peeing, etc. But you see, parents can always take care of their children like this, because their number will decrease. One is that they will Increase , but the children do this because of obligations and responsibilities , right? It even goes as far as to say that there will be no filial sons around the bed of a patient for a long time. It is inevitable that there will be a time of collapse. This thing is really like always feeling sorry for your parents. But if you look at it from the perspective of life or the great cycle of mankind, it is like this. Humans need to reproduce, so you have to be responsible for the next generation. Only in this way can people continue to reproduce. So, I often give my son vaccinations now . I said, “If I can’t recognize you one day, just throw you somewhere and let me fend for myself. ” Of course, I was half joking when I said this, he got very nervous. He said, “Go exercise with me tonight. You can’t be lazy anymore. You have to exercise.” He was afraid that it would not reach this point. But I saw a number the other day and was shocked. He said that it takes an average of eight years from being unable to take care of yourself to the end of your life. You not only have Alzheimer’s disease, but you also have a stroke , your heart is not good , you can’t take care of yourself, you have hemiplegia, etc. Yes, this is also a large proportion . You think these eight years will affect the people around you. Our traditional culture has many ways to overcome these difficulties. One of them, I have experienced, is that when they encounter this When you have difficulty, it helps you think about the next difficulty. For example, birth, aging, sickness and death. I didn’t understand this sentence before. I thought why most of it is negative. The three aspects of birth, aging , sickness and death , what’s this about ? It summarizes a person’s life, birth, aging, sickness and death. It ‘s said that there is something to rely on, right? But what is it actually? In fact, after you are born, he will immediately face the problem of aging , right? But aging is scary. To be honest, there are so many beauty and fitness products nowadays, like our beautiful anti-aging beauties and beautiful reporters who are afraid of aging, right? But it says that in fact, there is no need to be afraid. Why do you think about what disease you have when you are old? If you don’t have any serious illness, you don’t have to worry about aging, right? So when you are old, you think about the problem of illness. The same is true for illness. Will you die if you get sick ? Is there any danger to your life ? Right? Your illness is very serious and you won’t get better. But there is no danger to your life for the time being, so you can rest assured. So when you get sick, you think about whether you will die. What should you do when you really face death? How can people figure it out? Lu Xun has an essay called “Death”. Lu Xun wrote that essay a few months before his death. A few months ago, Lu Xun had a serious illness and almost thought he was going to die. In the meantime, he wrote an essay called “Death”. So what did Lu Xun write about ? At that time , death was a current problem for him. How to explain this way of death? He said that after death, the poor want to be reincarnated because they want to get another chance , right? Because their lives were too miserable before, and the poor feel that they have not done anything bad in this life , so they will not fall into the animal realm. He is not worried about the rich because he burned a lot of money and donated a lot of money , right? He built all these temples and went there to spend money. He felt that he could spend money and he had accumulated merits. He said that the worst was the middle class or the bourgeoisie , who were caught in the middle and suffered the most. He said what the middle class did? He imagined the life of ghosts. Lu Xun put a bracket. This word is not very clear , so he used the life of ghosts. How can ghosts have a life? Isn’t the life of ghosts not very clear? Right? But Lu Xun put a bracket. I wanted to cry when I saw this , because this is a person who is going to die in a few months. He has this thing in his mind coming out of death (shadow). He wrote articles and made fun of us. Let me tell you what this is like . For him, death is like your next show . He made such a joke . The life of a ghost doesn’t make sense. I haven’t thought of a suitable one
yet. He said, “What’s the life of a ghost like? Find a better piece of wood to make a coffin, right? Then sort out the accounts and so on. In the future, the child will have good meals delivered every few months. He said, “I sleep very comfortably. If I were like this, I wouldn’t go to the Beijing Bookstore to argue about the royalties . I would be living a good life .” I was very moved when I read “The Life of a Ghost. ” He was really dead , as we say when death is imminent. He said that he always looked for a Japanese doctor to see him for this disease, but in the end his treatment was delayed. He said that later, some people including Song Qingling, Shen Yanbing , and a foreigner, a reporter, found an American doctor to help him. The American doctor said , “If I had this disease in Europe, I would have died five years ago. It would take five years .” Then he took out a film and said the same thing as him, so I didn’t ask the doctor for help. Which doctor could save a person who had been dead for five years? The next is a very familiar passage, “I will be buried hastily after I die , don’t commemorate me . If I, a child, don’t have talent , don’t be a hollow writer. Whoever harms you wants to teach you not to take revenge?” Don’t pay any attention to people . Is that right? Not forgiving anyone is also the right answer here. Not forgiving anyone is the Western saying. It means that you forgive others in the end . I thought about it and didn’t forgive anyone. I ‘ll let them resent me. I won’t forgive anyone . This article is really well written. Think about it. This is a person who understands everything . It is his own death . So for him, your illness and other things are the worst you can do at this stage. He suddenly thought of you. What’s the worst ? He also did class analysis. He released his Marxist knowledge from the 1930s. It can be seen that he said that the poor are not afraid of death and want reincarnation , the rich are not afraid of death and donate temples, and the middle class are content to be ghosts and give away many things. When I went to see my parents’ grave, there were a lot of US dollars and Hong Kong dollars at the door. Mercedes -Benz and BMW attracted a lot of Chinese people. I suddenly had a very strange idea. I think few people discuss that there is no heaven in the Chinese imagination. That is to say, we don’t want to imagine going to heaven for ourselves and the people around us. We know that there is the Jade Emperor and Taishang Laojun in heaven, but it doesn’t seem to be the place we go. It seems that no one, even if you are in a very high position or even if you are a person we worship, doesn’t say that he has gone to the Jade Emperor. Or maybe only Sun Wukong could beat him up, but the Taoists still wanted to become immortals. Immortals are immortals , and they are not in heaven. He is not in heaven either , right? So I suddenly thought that Lu Xun had marked out all your paths , but there is no path to heaven . So the best thing is that he marked out all kinds of paths, but without heaven , after death, people will eventually die. Of course, in the end, Lu Xun said, “I don’t believe in these things. ” What he meant was that I am an atheist, and I don’t believe in these things. After reading this article, I felt so healed, yes, I felt so healed. I am not so afraid of my illness anymore, right? He saw it so clearly, and he may have passed away early because of the Japanese doctor. In fact, many people die now , and there is nothing that cannot be seen through. What they are afraid of is the illness . What they are afraid of is that they are seriously ill but not dying, right? It is not that old people who are not dead are thieves. Being sick but not dying is too torturous , and it is not only tormenting oneself, but also the endurance of those who love him, the relatives who are most important to him. So I said, “Do you have it?” You see, he is very calm and nonchalant in his expression now. Do you have any critical point of emotional breakdown? It is just too much. In other words, this is the so-called care. If you want to express it, I think it is good if you can express about 1%. Only those who have taken care of others know what he said. What’s going on? People who haven’t been cared for may say some negative things that are actually irrelevant to you, right? There are also some completely irrelevant things. What he said is completely different from what you said, and there is no way to communicate. But I see this is Shi Tiesheng. Teacher Xu is very familiar with Shi Tiesheng’s literature research. Shi Tiesheng , of course, has a miserable fate, right? It was God who threw the dice on him, no matter how talented he is. In his “Fragments of Thoughts in Sickness”, he said, ” What is your most important problem? You can’t feel sorry for yourself . You can’t feel sorry for yourself, because his self-pity is due to his disability. It is easy to feel self-pity when you have a disability . In the process of self-pity, you always feel that others can’t understand you. But I personally think that a certain degree of understanding can always be achieved. I think once you start, because if you live on the bright side, then everything in your life is in order, it is not called impermanence , but permanence. But once you start to come into contact with the dark side, in a sense, your perception of life will change completely, and I think this change is irreversible . Once you enter this, that is, enter this, enter this After that, I can only think that it must be something that is destined to fail , something that is destined to be disordered , or to use a more fashionable term, it must be a process of increasing entropy . It must be a process of increasing entropy . And this process is actually what Teacher Xu said. As a physical body, we have birth, aging, illness and death. We are carbon-based (organisms), so carbon-based will definitely encounter this kind of problem. In fact, it is equivalent to being in a state of failure. How can we guarantee that we can still persist in this world ? So I have a signature on WeChat. The signature is actually that there is no victory to speak of. Just hold on, that is everything. Really, what you said is actually just like what you said about Lu Xun. I heard that this is all about finding psychological comfort step by step on the downhill road. Why is this matter not something that outsiders can tell you? What does it mean? People who have not had this experience don’t really feel it. For example, as you said, giving your parents a bath, I had such an experience not long ago, and I knew what that meant. Like you, this includes your mother, which is equivalent to incontinence. For how many times a day, this cleaning, you know, what kind of experience I had, at that time we didn’t know During the Spring Festival, one day I said , “Dad needs to take a bath. ” Then he started to take a bath because his legs and feet were not coordinated. So I had to support him step by step. You know , I immediately understood what was going on. For him, taking a bath was no longer possible . He could no longer sit in the bathtub. He had lost the ability to control his body and legs. Once he sat down, he would slip out. You ca n’t sit in the bathtub. You have to get a stool to take a shower. But he was embarrassed to tell his child that taking a bath was too troublesome and he didn’t want to take a bath. If the child was careless, he would think he was an old man and didn’t want to take a bath or was afraid of the cold and didn’t want to take a bath. As a result, he found out that step by step , including the shower head, you know, the natural direction of the shower head couldn’t spray him when he sat in it , so he actually needed someone to spray him . In this case, the father and son had never been naked facing each other for decades. You know, all this was because the father had never asked the child to give him a bath in the past. That’s why I was a little embarrassed. You know, I had to watch him. Then, when you were washing, you found that he couldn’t wipe the back. So, you know, I suddenly realized From then on, he needed someone to bathe him, which we didn’t know. Then, he was washed very clean and felt very comfortable. Then during dinner, I noticed that he said something like, ” Today, the son gave his father a bath. ” I was also very sensitive to his words. He was very embarrassed about this , but he actually used this method to send this message to his son. But it is not good for a man to directly say, ” My son will bathe me in the future .” But he said in an appreciative tone, ” My son bathed me today. ” Only then did our family realize that he could not bathe himself anymore. The paragraph you just talked about can be compiled into a very good essay. You can attach it to the back of the essay “Back View”, right? So why did I call “Bath” “Bath”? Why did I say that when I saw your article, I especially wanted to talk to you because I think the situation you handled for my father was not that serious , so the situations you handled could only be more serious. I also have to bathe my mother. It is not a relative problem for two men. In fact, you have also gone through these psychological barriers, right? And it is because my mother has been in a wheelchair for many years and her legs and feet are completely useless. So, bathing her is a very heavy task for me every time, and I am always exhausted. Then , there is another very interesting thing. How do you view the naked body of an old woman ? Yes , because the naked body of an old woman is really not good-looking. I think it is because we only see the smoothness, right? But the naked body of an old woman is actually different. Therefore, I am particularly moved. I also said that when I was in Rodin’s “Old Prostitute” (Rodin’s work) Right, I stayed at that place for a very long time. Next to it is “The Kiss”. “The Kiss” is so beautiful, with two young bodies and extremely smooth bodies, especially the marble one , which is so white and smooth. But I think this is the truth of life, isn’t it? That is true , but the problem is that it may cover up a lot of things about the old woman. I didn’t walk away at that time, but I felt that the last stage of life is really sad. There is no dignity at all
. She
herself doesn’t know anything. In order to facilitate care, she basically has nothing to wear. She is naked, so it’s very uncomfortable to watch. So in this sense, a few days ago was the anniversary of Simone de Beauvoir’s death, and I remembered that she had written a memoir before, which was about her conversation with Sartre in his later years . And many people also disputed it , because she recorded Sartre’s last stage from illness to death truthfully. For example, he had incontinence on a certain day and he had no idea that he was like She couldn’t get up from the bathtub either. Beauvoir and Sartre were of course different in facing life head on. So after she wrote this kind of book, many people may have criticized her for showing such a beautiful idol, an intellectual hero, or a person that everyone in the intellectual world looks up to , in such a naked way the cruel side of life. So she was also criticized by many people , but I think it is actually good for us ordinary people or for everyone, including what Professor Hu Yong has done. I think the significance is that , first of all, we are a bit of a group for warmth. We all know that we are facing such problems, and then these people who have such common problems have surfaced. Will it promote, for example, society to progress and face this problem head on? I also remember that Susan Sontag had cancer and chemotherapy in the end, and her hair turned white. I think as a woman, I admire them very much . Hers is also controversial. Leibovitz is her. She is like a photographer. She took pictures of her cancer bed . Therefore, Sontag’s son fell out with her. He felt that treating her so badly was exploiting her. That (Sontag) but Leibowitz said that this was also the last side of Sontag. Such a famous woman finally became the last step of her life. She also walked through it step by step. I think it is also a kind of psychological construction for us. Maybe you have to force yourself to face and think about these problems calmly . So I have always said that it is a failure , but you have to admit that this failure is a part of your life , or when you encounter this thing, you feel sad , but sadness itself is also a part of life . But in fact, after this thing came out , there were some feedbacks , but one feedback was very interesting. There was a director of a nursing home for many years. This year, she was born in the 1950s. In fact, this year is also relatively old, but she is still taking care of her mother. Then, she was very disapproving of my behavior. She said that you are a educated person and you should sort your life. Then you should put your more You should focus your energy on creating more valuable things, right? For example, if I am a scholar, you should do more research or write more books. Why not leave this matter to professionals ? First, my choice is based on my own judgment. Secondly, I found something very interesting. She is an expert in elderly care. She has been the director of a nursing home for many years , but she still thinks from the bottom of her heart that this matter is low-level , that is, care is low-level , and therefore it should give way to more advanced things. I was shocked because she thought that I was being loyal and filial. In fact, the adjective “loyal and filial” means stupid. But I think if I put it more bluntly, I think her view is very stupid, very stupid. Just think about it, the reason why we, including what I said, the reason why I want to say this is because we often regard care as a low-level matter , or we are all men , except Li Jing . Men have privileges and men think that many things should be done by women . Women have the main responsibility for raising children and taking care of them. Right, right? But you think the reason why we have been at ease for so many years is that we think this matter is low-level , and in our ranking, we think that low-level things are for women to do more and men to do more high-level things . In fact, the entire history has been running in roughly this way. Until today, there are still many such things that remain. In fact, it is equivalent to your logic being the same. You regard this thing as a low-level thing, so it should be done by relatively low-level people. Then I was shocked. I said that she was a nursing expert and thought so. Then I received a message from a young man in Guangdong. His message was very interesting. He said that professional caregivers and people who are willing to take care of their parents at home 24 hours a day are two groups. In this matter, these two groups cannot be confused . Professionals definitely have professional advantages, and people who make their own decisions are determined by themselves. A series of factors, he said, I don’t think that withering is less important than hope. He said that I think withering is very important. At the same time, he said that you can’t prove that you have made a big The value of being a professor is definitely higher than, for example, spending ten years with your loved ones . You can’t prove that this value is definitely higher than that value. This philosophy is higher. I think this young man thinks very clearly. In fact, he thinks better than the director of the nursing home mentioned above. He is not a utilitarian thinker. This involves a person’s choice of what kind of life is it. For example, it is more important for you to win the Nobel Prize , or for me to be filial to my parents and spend the last time with them as a son. I didn’t let him stay in a nursing home for the last few years , but I spent them with him . Which of these two things is more valuable ? Who dares to say the answer? And we have something in front of us, which is that we are actually willing to accompany our children. For example, Li Jing is very busy, but she must spend a lot of time and find ways to accompany her son. She has to balance the relationship between being a working woman and being a mother . You are willing to do this. In fact, you can apply the same logic to your parents. Why can’t you spend more than ten years with your parents? Because what’s the difference? Because your parents also need your care at that time. Why do you accompany your children? This thing seems to be so. It is legitimate, but the fact that you accompany your parents sounds like something that should be put at the low end of the value chain. I am not saying that there is something here that is better to do this and worse to do that, but that we just happen to have to discuss again here the meaning of care or the meaning of care for people as human beings. He said it very well. Caring for children is the upward line (high expectations) and caring for the elderly is the downward line (low expectations) . This subconsciousness actually seems to be a kind of social subconsciousness . I really think that one of your appeals, and I especially want to make this appeal , is that your level of civilization is not reflected in your high-rise buildings, computers, and AI, but in how many wheelchair accesses you have, right? We don’t need to say more, because as soon as I pushed the wheelchair, I understood that there are too many places. You know, I need two people to go, and two people have to carry the wheelchair. If you can’t lift it, how can you do it? So the real level of social civilization can be seen from this one line. Is it considering the convenience of disabled people in the places where everyone walks? This is called civilization, right? You see, this reflects a kind of what you said, that is , it seems that our society is designed for young people , and this matter is Most people do n’t talk about it. Not talking doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Not talking doesn’t mean the proportion is not low, and the less people talk about it, the more likely it is that it is a real problem. Yes, I think it was after I saw your article that I had the idea to talk about this. The day before yesterday, my younger brother told me that the security guard sent my father back at around 4 a.m. He went out and what was he doing? He couldn’t tell the difference between day and night. He was holding a small plastic bag and was going out to buy food. He opened the door and went out on his own. It was a cold day. In the end, it was the security guard who saw it . Now our family was on high alert , with the door locked and so on. Then I realized that it was too difficult for my family to handle this matter. Now my brother has no one to accompany him at work. During the day , my brother found a surveillance camera on the Internet to see if the old man is inside. We still need to find a 24-hour caregiver who is more professional. This is what society can do for this matter. Every family builds its own destiny , yes, it is their own business, but what society can do is to do some more professional things. Yes, let me put it this way. To this day, our family has not found a caregiver that the old man agrees to come in. You see, sometimes he agrees after a few months. So I think your family’s situation has an advantage, there is a nanny to help, right? Teacher Xu said this very wisely. He agreed after a few months. I found a part-time worker at home at first because my mother strongly disagreed. There was someone sleeping in the bedroom in the same house. She really disagreed, but she gradually agreed because she couldn’t leave and became more and more confused. So there is hope in misfortune, right? So let’s talk about this today. I think it will be good for everyone. Hope is always tomorrow. On the one hand, you have to realize that what Chen Qigang (composer) said was ultimately a tragedy, but recognizing the truth and recognizing this tragedy is also dignity , and it is also human dignity . Moreover, you can still have fun in suffering . After a few months, the caregiver will accept it. Thank you for telling us. It is so precious. Cheers , thank you and I also wish you well. What can you say? You see, I don’t know what to say about this now. I don’t know what to wish. I can only wish that your life is meaningful. I just hope that I can hold on. Yes, hold on. We hold on and that’s everything. Sooner or later, there will be that day. We hope that we can all hold on . Okay, I specially bought a T-shirt with the words “Hold on is everything”. Really ? Yes, really, give me one . A true hero is one who sees clearly (hold on in tragedy). There is no victory to speak of. Holding on is everything. It is a famous German saying, yes, and really Applicable to all aspects. There is no such thing as victory. Holding on is everything. Li Jing, come and see us when the time comes . I’d better think about what to do with myself first. I’m going to exercise regularly. Thank you, thank you, Wentao , try to age slowly. Thank you, Teacher Xu , thank you. Let’s have tea. I just found a part-time job for my mother today. I secretly want to find her a part-time job to help her reduce some of the burden. Then I told her that I don’t know when the future will be confused . You can enjoy yourself now, so enjoy yourself. You can go out and play. There is no future. I said don’t wait for the future. Who knows if you can go out in the future? I saw that your father was fine when I went to your house last time. Now you see that he is also fine. He is now in a state where he is sometimes clear and sometimes confused. It’s intermittent, right ? So I was more interested and asked him, what will be the pattern of this development in the future ? It has a so-called cliff-like, yes, it is really cliff-like . Cliff-like means that suddenly there will be a big acceleration , and this acceleration will cause her to become a completely different person. It’s not gradually . There is a gradual decline at the beginning , but there is a cliff-like decline. So why do I say that if you have this medicine, it is still relatively early or mid-term, so you should give it to him as soon as possible, yes, give it before the cliff. He took it and this phenomenon must be very common. I found that in my circle of friends, as long as there is something related to this medicine, everyone is pushing it. Maybe it’s not just people of our age, but parents who may face these problems. From a philosophical point of view, we will also think that a living person is actually a living brain and a living body . Now, the most difficult thing to take care of is consciousness. My mother has been lying in bed like a vegetable for six years . It was my father. In fact, I think it was my mother who dragged my father down. After my mother passed away, he died very quickly. In fact, there is an experience that if one of the two elderly people has a problem, they must be separated. That will have an impact, right? If conditions permit, they must be separated . It will be contagious. Even if there are two beds and two bedrooms in the same house, they must be separated because the impact on the other party is far beyond the imagination of the children. His regression will be very severe because at that time his energy, body, and spirit are actually not enough for him to resist the changes in his spouse, especially Alzheimer’s disease. Because the characteristic of Alzheimer’s disease is that day and night are reversed, he will make the spouse next to him unable to sleep at all, right? So I often talk to Lao Gao You said I was selfish. I said you have to live until I die first. I said this is what I ask of you. You have to send me away. The one who leaves first is happier and the one who leaves later is sadder. You told me that this son can’t be counted on. Don’t let him hear it. Basically, what needs to be said is that you are not afraid of death, but everyone will die. It enhances cognition. My own feeling is that in the past, no one has spoken openly like you. Yes, when you don’t have it, I guess many young people will be stupid when they encounter this. Many of them will quit their jobs to take care of the family. They just can’t balance it. How can they live ? Yes, so there are many of them. For example, he is the main person taking care of the family. If his brothers and sisters don’t care, he has to pay more . Teacher Hu Yong, I have always been curious about you . You said that your attitude towards your mother is related to her attitude towards you back then. If your mother was not good to you back then, would you ignore her ? Isn’t it a bit like this? This is a hypothetical question, an emotional bank. I feel that this is a hypothetical question and I can’t answer it. When you were a child, your mother saved more emotions for you because I was the youngest and my mother loved me the most. This is also the reason why she stayed with me for a long time. But another reason is that I have a better temper because the tempers of old people are very strange. Yes , if your children have very bad tempers She can’t live with him. Fei Xiaotong’s theory is that Chinese people’s parents not only take care of you but also your children, so the middle-aged generation has to take care of you in return. He is very right about the principle of repaying the parents . This is the secret of Chinese culture. I often tell my students that if many people don’t get married or have children nowadays, I tell them that if they can avoid having their parents take care of their children, then they should. But you know, as time goes by, you will find that many people who gradually retire later are not really willing to take care of their children. They are forced to do so. As long as you tell them that they need to take care of their children, they will definitely take care of them for you because this is family affection. But if you give them a choice, I believe that a lot of people will be happy to live their own lives every day. Originally, that friend said that from retirement to the time when your body really starts to age, you still have ten years of golden age. You must enjoy these ten years of golden age. I’m thinking, I have to enjoy it too. Is there such a saying? So the retirement you are talking about is sixty When you are 15 years old , it probably means that you don’t need to work every day. Then your body starts to have problems and you can’t maintain your normal life , such as traveling. You have about ten years left. In these ten years, there is no third generation for you to take care of. Then your children grow up and become independent. This is the second golden decade and you should enjoy it. I think it is time to enjoy it rationally. It is true that when things happen, you will find that a happy life is so short. But we used to be dissatisfied and always thought that my life should be the pursuit of happiness, so you feel it is unfair. Once you encounter misfortune , but in fact misfortune is the norm. People say that it is because misfortune is the norm that it is called the pursuit of happiness. Hobbes (British philosopher) believes that the first type of people pursue current happiness and try their best to pursue current happiness. The second is to pursue it tomorrow. There are only these two. I suddenly had an idea the other day. I think it is Alzheimer’s. It seems that my grandmother, now I recall that my father’s mother should also have it. It’s hereditary. When we were kids, we went to the countryside in her later years and kowtowed to her, but she slapped us in the face. We were confused. But you know, I realized a problem , that is, 90% of the elderly don’t go to nursing homes. It seems that the old-fashioned Chinese family , where several generations live together, may be the most suitable for Alzheimer’s disease . What does it mean at that time ? This can be a unique discovery. At that time, no one knew she was just stupid. But she was stupid , you see, first of all, she wouldn’t disappear. There are always many people in a family where several generations live together, and there’s always a child running around in front of her . You know, her biggest problem now is that she’s a lonely prisoner and she can’t go anywhere. Now
I think of the article written by Lin Yutang. He wrote about the good things about China. He said that China’s family where several generations live together is the best for the elderly, not the good for the young , but the happiest for the elderly . On the one hand, it gives the elderly authority, and on the other hand, she controls the brothers and their wives. Everyone has to respect the elderly. Then she lives in such a big family. The eldest brother doesn’t care, but the second brother has to take care of it. Moreover, the elderly live in the main house. There is actually another important reason why the elderly live in the main house, because China abolished the system of eldest son since the Zhou Dynasty . The inheritance system of the eldest son is the system of primogeniture in Japan and Europe. Europe has abolished the system of primogeniture. What is the direct consequence ? The father can retain power until his last breath because he has divided it. He has the power to decide whether to give it to the third or fourth son, or the third, fourth, or fifth son. The emperor is the same. The prince reserves the right to decide until very late. What does this have to do with retirement? Then the status of this old man is very high. He holds the money. The whole family has to revolve around him. Your whole family is thinking about his property. Isn’t this the TV series “Battle of Succession” where the three were beaten to a pulp? Just to please his father, you never know who he is giving it to. How dare you be unfilial to him? The emperors in the past were like this too. You don’t know who he is passing it on to. Everyone has to get to know the fourteenth son, the twelfth son, and the sixth son. How about everyone’s investment in this place? You are not sure which one he is. Therefore, Chinese society is a patriarchal society with the most dignified father. Does this make sense ? So we still have to get old and keep some power and money. But jokes aside, the elderly do have to distribute their money well. This is actually very realistic. The best way to distribute it well is not to distribute it. Example of the ending process